Show me the meaning

There’s no point to holding on to this delusional fairytale any longer. I chose it.  I stayed in it. And now I’m miserable as hell in it. I remember feeling so exhausted from the thought of seeing him- because it means that I have to spend 3 hours preparing dinner. It means I have to pretend that his hatred for women and humanity can be expressed in my presence. I was just tolerating his ass. But tolerating for the sake of what? For the sake of good sex?? Does sex mean this much to me?!! I guess so. Because only during sex did I feel a soul connection with him- I feel like during sex he really gave a damn about me, that all the attention I ever wanted came rushing down then and I didn’t need anything else. That’s when he was so affectionate and loving and  paid attention to every detail of me- that’s when he validated me- a luxury that I wouldn’t get outside the bedroom.

I now realize that I’m just a filler for the absence for his loneliness. I thought I was special. I thought I would be the one to turn him into commitment. Why are women this delusional? Why do I always wanna save the sick limping puppy? He doesn’t need me- he just needs any woman who pays attention to him and tolerates his shit. Plus he has no appreciation for women in general, so what will make him appreciate me in general?? He’s a taker. All he does is take and take and has no regard how much he will suck outta me. And he has the nerve to say that “he treats women too good.” In what sense?!! He doesn’t support financially or emotionally and he’s not even a descent person! Even though he knows my favorite roses are orange and has not once given me anything. But I’ve given him 1k worth of gifts so far. How is this fair??? The only difference between him and Sasha is that Sasha wouldn’t shut up about his ex and that’s why I cut his ass off. But now Max is blatantly displaying signs of not having respect for me. Is this a pre-discard phase? Who cares. I hate it here. I wanna break up with him but I know he will find a way to suck me right back in. He won’t let me go. I’ve broken up 2 weeks ago and he appeared again- since our breakup was amicable, he was “just seeing how I’m doing.” I need a plan to end it. And end it for good.