Sasha- thankful

I’m thankful for the feelings that he gave me. I forgot what it felt like to start falling madly and deeply and for that person to influence me for the better; he influenced my art, my writing, my poetry and my workout. He’s the reason behind the dopamine boost that I got. That made me do things, that made me wanna cross my comfort level, that got me to explore. He’s also the reason why I made breakthroughs in therapy- he’s the reason why my abandon issues got triggered from childhood, of not being valued, not being seen or heard. I had to work on that, I needed to get myself back so that I would value and hear and validate me. I needed to do those things to myself before relying on others to do them for me. He gave me the gift of listening to my intuition  and not to stare at the red flags like it’s a carnival.⛳🎉🎪 Even though we’ve only known each other for a month but boy does it feel much longer. I’m grateful for the up and down emotions that could only come from someone you really give a fuck about and they sorta-kinda-don’t about you. It FORCED me to choose myself, it showed me that I have to value myself more and as hard as it was to walk away from The Devil- I did it. I fuckin did it. Even though it took a month and 2 therapists but now I know how hard it is to walk away from a relationship that you know isn’t good for you but you’re already knee-deep. I know now why I didn’t do it in the past and it made me have compassion for myself. Stop beating myself up for why didn’t I leave the last toxic guy- because it was fuckin hard!!! Because my nervous system was already wired a certain way!! Yes logically I knew it would never work but I couldn’t get away- I kept lying to myself in the past about them. But NOT this time. This time was different. This time hurt and I stayed with the pain and it FUCKIN hurt. The kind of pain that I felt as a 5-year-old with depression due to the abuse and neglect. The kind of pain that makes you feel so lonely you don’t even bother talking to people anymore. Loneliness- the worst killer of all. The kind of pain that you don’t see leaving you alone anytime soon. Like EVER. I went through a nuclear war inside my heart and I came out with bruises and broken limbs and I fuckin made it to the other side. I have ZERO thoughts of contacting him now. That would be going ass-backwards.