Parts – pain and heartbreak

“I’m here if you need me” – was his last text and everytime I scroll my phone messages and see it- it makes me feel better. What a simple phrase but I can feel it even though he is miles away. I can feel that he means it. I can feel that it was written with love. And every time I scroll past it- it fills me with hope. Hope that things will get better- that the sun is shining for me, all I gotta do is look out to see it. Simple phrase but fills me with grief, sadness and love. Most of all, love. I can fill his love from miles away. Can he love though if he’s still hung up on her? The one who rejected him. Rejected his emotional abuse and the ugly back and forths. What’s their story? Who cares. I can only focus on me and not on the external parts of me of who said and did what. That stuff doesn’t matter. What matters is, what’s inside me. What are the parts of me that I”m not willing to feel that are distracting me to focus on what’s happening outside of me. I tune into my body and I can feel my broken heart. It goes way back – back when I was 4- when I was depressed and abused. I feel that part of me and I wanna shut it down and distract it with youtube and research about random bullshit and definitely shopping! Even it’s just looking at dresses I cant afford but boy it feels nice to get away from the pain. The pain of abandonment, the pain of not being chosen, the pain of not being protected. And every time my adult feels anything close to that- I wanna distract myself. The 5-year old me- it was too much for her and that’s why she shut down, and created her own fantasy world where it was safe to be alive. That’s where my ADD comes from- from not being able to escape the abuse and therefore I had to tune myself out of that pain and distract myself. It started as a survival response and now it serves me no good. I can’t judge it. Judging it won’t change a damn thing. I have to accept it and understand why it’s there and let it know it’s safe inside me. I have to make it feel welcome. Only then it will feel safe enough to trust me and not fight me and not shame me. I have to show it compassion. Love not hate, is what will win this part over for it to not feel like it has to protect me again.