Max- no words

Yea I love him. I”m not gonna deny that. But I’m not going back!!! Going back would be the biggest slap to my face. Going back would mean that he can do WHATEVER he wants and get away with it. I remember the nights when I would feel scared to go to bed because upon waking up my first thought was “We’re no longer together” and that would hurt more than anything in the world! It would be so painful. My chest. My heart. My stomach. All in pain. It lasted 3-4 days for that part of the nightmare to be over. And now waking up I feel fine. Now, the worst part is ruminating about his fucking manipulative reactions. He treated me like shit and he’s offended? Offended that I stood up for myself is more like it. He’s offended that he’s not the god he thought he was. Remind me to never date another narcissist again because that shit is not worth it. A strong part of me is STILL going “What could I have done right??? Where did I go wrong???” That’s for him to fucking answer!! Where has HE gone wrong??!! Fuckin asshole! His whole existence is wrong because he lacks empathy. He has NO EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT. He doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel. It’s all about him and his comforts and he’s never willing to put in half of the effort. Or even a slight drop of accountability or truth!! He’s a fucking liar!! He cheated on me and lied to me about cheating on me. How can I even trust him now??? Words come out of his mouth like shit comes out of an ass! He will lie then will act like I’m causing the biggest inconvenience in his life by holding him accountable! By asking him to be honest! Oh there’s so much I wanna say to his face! I wanna just go all out and step all over his horns! Now I’m fucking pissed!! I legit hate him! I want him to eat a ball of dirty socks! What a piece of shit person! And I was in love with that??? and for what???