Max- gotta end

You can tell when someone bends backwards for you, waiting for your approval and in that instant you lose a little bit of respect for them. You know that they can and should get a backbone and that way you will love them so much more! But unfortunately they don’t see that. They don’t feel that. Am I bending over backwards for Max? It’s not like I’m afraid that he will leave me. At the very least give him an ultimatum and that way he makes a choice early on or that way you can move on and not have the foggy “But we never defined our relationship” moment. I was ok with not being his official title with everything GF but now I KNOW I deserve more. I deserve a damn title and for him to worship the ground I walk on. Is he that much of a narcissist where he thinks he can do no wrong? He thinks women are crazy, he says he will never trust a woman he dates, he says women want too much, that they whine and bitch about everything and that we live in a women’s world who bitch about patriarchy, he says there is no patriarchy in this country anymore because it all caters to women. IS HE FUCKIN DELLUSIONAL?? Is he that narrow minded that he doesn’t see anything else outside him?? I wish I could punch his dad in the face- his anger issues that made Max shut down and not trust the world and shut down to the point where the poor kid has no goals and no drive. He’s fucked. What kind of woman will he end up with? Probably another narcissist who copendently needs him for her own ego. But that’s not me! That’s long gone for me. He has enough self awareness to tell me “You’re into unavailable men aren’t you?” so mofo you know you’re unavailable AF??!! and on top of that you see that I’m falling for that shit??!! You’re never a person to a narcissist- you’re a sex doll or a cook or a cleaning lady but you’re never a human being to them. I need to end this. I didn’t escape the self-betrayal of avoiding his parent’s trip to end up in another trap of self-betrayal. Wow he’s good. He’s a good manipulator and he does in a way where you don’t feel manipulated, he does it in a way where you wanna prove yourself to him. But I have nothing to prove anymore. I was exhausted being in this relationship for the past month and I will be exhausted if I go back. The amount of energy it takes to pretend to be ok with getting the short end of the stick is draining. I don’t wanna pretend anymore. It’s fuckin bullshit. He said on the phone today, “The problem with treating women too well is that they will turn around and use it against you. Women are so spiteful.” Wait. What?! Who the fuck are you talking about? and if that’s how you think then why do you even bother talking to them. To which he replied, “It fills my need to be connected I guess.” For a narcissist he has a good amount of self awareness about why he does what he does.

I can’t do this anymore, being in the state of ambiguity- I”m doing girlfriend duties on a “Let’s not define our relationship” budget. It’s fuckin bullshit. I know I deserve more. I want out.