Max

Do I love him – do I need him? Do I love the sex? Or do I just love the idea of him. Someone there to fuck me good once in a while and then just leave me the fuck alone most of the time. Isn’t this what I wanted 6 months ago?? So why am I not happy now once that I have it. What is missing? The depth. The intensity. The torture. The back and forth. The uncertainty. Why are those things what I need in order to really feel someone’s presence? Why Do I need all that drama that makes me stay awake at night? I crave it but once I have it- I no longer care. Why do I need to torture myself for love?? Why can’t love just be? Why do I need to feel its confusing, its animosity, its antagony. What do I want from Max? And once I realize that he can’t give me those things- why do I stick around? I know it’s not forever. It’s a bad choice. That relationship doesn’t nourish me in any way. His energy I can’t stand most of the time because all he does is talk about himself. It’s getting old. So why can’t I quit this drug? Or did I already? And I’m just looking for a reason to stay? For a reason to not feel lonely. Fuck that I’ve been single for 3 years!!! I’m not afraid to be alone! And I’m not afraid to leave someone when I know they’re not for me. What is it about Max then?