Letting love in

Why is it so hard to love someone who shows you love? Why is it so much easier to love someone that you know won’t last, that you know you don’t have to hold on to? (but will probably do so out of habit and hope) We dream of finding the perfect mate, the perfect partner who will sweep us off our feet and will find eternal bliss with. Hollywood and Disney gave us the perfect blueprint without giving us the instruction manual. Or is it our parent’s fault for not being emotionally attuned to us growing up and therefore we can’t do it for others, much less to ourselves. We whine to our girlfriends about how there are no good men left out there but what if a good man shows up at your door. Will you open it? Will you know what to do with him? Will you know where to place him in your life after being so used to being treated like the last priority on Earth? Don’t tell me that wouldn’t fuck with your nervous system. Because it will. It will create internal chaos and more anxiety. Because why me and why now? I have stuff to do that I haven’t achieved yet. I need to place love on hold. But we don’t say that when we “just wanna have fun” with someone with no destination and empty promises. But when I meet the one who keeps his promises and doesn’t show red flags it becomes “Wait. I need to place your love on hold.”  Because I’m not ready yet. This thing is too big to hold and my mind is too limited to even panton where this could possibly go. Just thinking about the greatness of it all actually being in front of my doorstep and asking me to join is causing too many butterflies inside me. Not the good kind. Not the kind that make you smile and sing for reason but the kind that make you question your whole existence.  And we don’t question where a committed relationship is going- we know it’s taking final its destination to Love; the scariest place of all.