If my trauma could speak

I want nothing from them and yet the thoughts keep coming up. They keep circling. The same shit, nothing new, over and over, every day, every hour. When will it ever stop? I don’t want Frank, don’t even wanna talk to him, to explain to him that I’m not evil and to prove buncha other shit that he already convinced himself otherwise of. I don’t wanna talk to him. I don’t want him back and I definitely don’t want my money back. It’s been almost 2 years. He’s 35 now and dumber than ever. His intellect is low, his critical skills are non-existent. His friends stopped talking to him for no reason and it makes sense now, they got sick of his shit, his paranoia, his gaslighting, his draining energy. His energy sucks. He doesn’t inspire, he’s depressed and causes turmoil everywhere he goes, self-destructive and straight up obnoxious to be around. I’m glad he’s outta my life, for good and not randomly showing up at my door in the middle of the night. I’m glad that part is done. The most confused human being on this Earth, why did I ever even give a fuck about his feelings when I wanted to break up. I should of broken up, that’s my biggest regret right now, instead, I couldn’t because I didn’t wanna hurt his feelings. I didn’t wanna be the girl who broke up with a guy for no good reason, just because she realized she feels nothing for him. How is that not a good reason?? That’s a very good reason, looking back at it now. But if I haven’t gone through the tornado that it caused me then, I wouldn’t be me now. And I love me now way more. It taught me self-respect and self-trust, even if I had to go through hell and back. I have me now, where I didn’t have me before. I listen to me now, where I listened to others before myself. Very hard lessons to learn the hard way but it’s fuckin worth it. I”m fuckin worth it, and I see my worth now more than ever. And I see now how he used to say that he didn’t deserve me and now I see that he was 100% right, perhaps the only right thing about him. By making me his prisoner first, he set me free. Now I’m free but I have this fucked up desire to be his prisoner. The prisoner of a dark soul that doesn’t know what light is and when he does see it, he doesn’t trust it because it never stayed with him long enough. He doesn’t even trust himself. That’s why he tries to control others. I had desire to know how he thinks, his thought process, surely there must be some kind of reasoning there. But the more I think about it, the more I see that people like him are incapable of reason. They mold the world to their illogical thinking, everything and everyone to him is an enemy and not to be trusted. Can I blame him? That’s all he ever knew. I can’t convince him that I’m not out to get him – even though that’s all I’ve shown him, since the day we met. But he managed to always make up scenarios in his head, paint me in ways that didn’t make sense, in ways that someone who doesn’t know me AT ALL would make up. How’s that possible?? How is it possible to constantly see a person that you say you love as an enemy? How do you call them the love of your life one day and then act like they don’t even exist? A normal person would never do this. This is NOT a normal person’s behavior. And yet I try to wrap my head around that and I constantly come back into the same circle. That’s why it never ends. We will wonder about the parts that make no sense because the parts that do, require no extra thought.