Charlie

I was in love with a narcissist when I was 19. I woulda died for him.☠ Charlie was one of a kind, cool cat. But something was off when  I first got to know him; he seemed hang up on his ex and he was acting like “love doesn’t exist” attitude. He cheated on me, I didn’t know it during the 3 years we sorta dated but he confessed to me in our mid 20s. It broke my heart then.💔 It breaks my heart now. But not because I’m still in love with him. It breaks my heart for the 19-year-old me who woulda died for him🏺. And the sad part is, he never appreciated shit. I thought he did, he was good putting on that act. One day he said to me “we’re a team now,” some blah blah and then “and as a team you should contribute half to my DJ equipment set.” Like what? I thought that was dumb. How is his job my responsibility? But he was good at convincing me that his responsibilities were my job. I brought him lunch 🍽to work, pretty often while myself being a broke-ass student, scrambling to save money, just so that he could have a comfortable life.😂. It’s funny now but back then it was painful. Back then I was meeting nice guys all the time who wanted relationships, who wanted to commit. But what did I do to them? I dumped them as soon as Charlie called coming back. Maybe I wasn’t into those guys that much. They didn’t give the same kinda rush. They made me feel safe but safety is not what I was looking for. Being raised in a household full of drama and uncertainty and a mother who had the emotional capacity of a robot; Charlie is exactly what I needed, to feel like home🏡. He wasn’t my ideal but it’s no secret why he felt familiar. We’re soulmates.💘 I was certain of it then. I still fantasize about that fact til we start texting again and he projects all his whiney baby🍼 stuff onto me. “I still remember how badly you treated me,” he’d say. Oh you mean, how badly YOU treated me? Then he would go on a rant about how I’m an ungrateful person and recite his sappy orphan story. Like how is this even relevant to our topic?? But that’s what he does; throws things in my face as a form of manipulation. It’s a narcissist thing. They all do that; to get pity or whatever. Bow down to me, I’m your King👑 and you will give me all your energy and god forbid if you can’t worship me due to your new-found self-respect then get out. Pretty much that’s how it goes. There’s no way he changed within the last 10 years, that means he was like this when we first met and my foggy glasses☁ were too busy focusing on his good qualities. It always gets me how he was scared of rejection and abandonment. If he’s detached why would he care. He doesnt. He only cares about how it makes HIM feel. It’s not about me at all. Like the time when my Grandma died and he told me to come over so I did. He made me steak and then proceeded to fuck me. And after he fucked me, he asked if I had sex with the guy I was seeing at that time. Yes I did. I told him the truth. I had nothing to hide. His reaction? Tears. Yes he started crying. We weren’t even together! But he turned the whole day of my Grandma’s death about him! Who can do that?? Only a true narcissist that’s who. It seemed off to me then. And by that time I ran out of excuses for him. He knew that my Grandma was my #1 and yet it had to be about him. And yet I can’t be mad at him right now. A part of me can’t. A part of me doesn’t allow it. Like full-blown ape shit on his ass. 😡🐒💣💥💥Because I know it will fall on deaf ears.👂 All of it. And he will find a way to play a victim and bring up his struggles. What kind of fucked up household does one have to be raised in to accept this shit as the default??? And the most important question is, what kinda household was I raised in where I didn’t see this as something to run away from.