Addicted to Betrayal

I’m addicted to betrayal. I don’t crave it. But I’ll do anything to get it. I’ll choose the wrong friends and I’ll sabotage the fuck outta my relationship. And I’ll choose the wrong guy too. I only chose the last one because I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. In fact that’s how I hooked him. I convinced myself and him that it was just a short fling with no potential. No wedding ceremony in the future and forget meeting our parents. But the opposite happened. After 4 months, I wanted his babies and he wanted me to meet his parents. I could never let him meet my mom, she’ll kill him. Literally and figuratively. But yet she kept making remarks that maybe I should look into marrying this one. A stand-up comedian who’s got only pennies to his name- yes he must be the one. After all, my clock is ticking. He told me the same thing when he broke up with me. Oh wait, the order is; he cheated, broke up and told me that I should hurry up and find someone more worthy of my time because he’s doing the bachelor thing til he’s 53. I guess that’s how all narcissists do. Doesn’t matter where they’re from but that’s their Go-To move.  I cried 2 weeks straight and I still wanted him back. I didn’t care that he broke my heart and that he will break it thousand times again. I still wanted to be next to him. Because being next to him meant, that I exist. That I matter. Because he mattered to me and if he mattered and he wanted me then that means I matter too. Because to myself, I don’t matter. To myself, I barely exist. To myself, I’m always grasping for air begging someone to love me.