4/30/04

my grandpa was in my dream a couple nights ago.  i think he looked kindof like himself but very very white.  then all of a sudden he turned ino my uncle chuck.  im not sure if it was my uncle in disguize the whole time or what. 

so i was thinkin, maybe, even tho i dont have any brothers or sisters, i had alot more grandparents then alot of ppl i know did.  when i was born i had both of my moms parents, both of my dads, my dads dads parents, and my moms dads parents.  while i have very vague (sp) memories of both great grandfathers i do still remember them.  and i only remember granny from meeting her once but we spent about a week together.  and i got to spend alot of time with grandma “s” when i was younger.  even tho grandma w dont like me very much, she dont seem to like any of us.  and anyways i have my grammy who i know loves me andi love her lots too so wht do i care if grandma w dont like me.  i know grandpa likes me.

the other day i was for some reason remembering grandma S’s funeral and i dont know why (i mean of course i know why)  but i felt sad all over again.  sometimes i feel guilty when i think of all of the time she spent lone in her house.  even before she went senile.  sometimes i think, how could we leave that poor old lady all alone with nothing but her cat when we didnt have shit else to do? 

i think the same about my grammy sometimes.  i know shes not alone, but if im not doing anything, why dont i go visit.  is it just not “convienient” enough?  thats no excuse.  it seems like she has to bribe us with dinner to get us over there.  its not really like that but what if she thinks it is?  and then i think, well i should just tell her all that stuff.  that i dont need a meal in order to go over.  and that i love her and all that stuff.  even tho i do love her, shes not the easyest one to tell that stuff to.  i think its my fear of rejection that says “no dont tell her” “you dont know how shell react so dont pput yourself on the line like that”  im so sensetive.  my feelings get hurt far to easily.  and how do i really think shell respond?  its not like shed laugh at me or tell me to shut up.  the last time i told her i loved her was when she had that whole cancer tjhing and i felt like she thought we were just telling her b/c we were afraid he was gonna die.  maybe that was part of it, but its not the only reason.   i always say  to myself “ok this time ill tell her”  but when the time comes i hicken out.  im a wimp