3/11/05

My Grammy has been in the hospital since Tuesday.  We don’t know exactly whats wrong with her but we do know that she has emphasima (SP) and the lower part of one of her lungs collapsed.  I go to visit her everyday.  I like going to visit her.  I like just sitting there with her.  And it’s nice cuz some of the other family goes to so we all get to sit and talk.  We don’t do that much.  It seems like we barley know each other sometimes.  Today I’m going to have lunch with Grammy.  I already had lunch plans but since she asked me to come I had to cancel my other plans for today.  I wanted to.  I’d do anything she asked me to.  I like that she wants me there.  Before she was in the hospital I didn’t visit her much.  It’s not that I didn’t want to it’s just that I get so wrapped up in whats going on in my life.  But it’s not like we didn’t see this comming I guess.  She has been smoking for years and years.  I’m surprised it took this long.  I have been worried about her for a while now.  Everytime my mom calls and she sounds upset I worry that something is wrong with Grammy.  I mean she is close to 80.  I suppose I should take this as a red flag.  Yes, she is planning on quitting the cigaretts and watching her diet and all of that stuff but I think that I need to start prepairing myself for…when she goes.  I have tried to come to terms with this before but some how I always end up comming to the conclusion that she will always be here.  That she won’t ever die.  I know that that is stupid to think but I just can’t imagine life without her.  I am an adult now and I know that life will go on but, well…I don’t want to think about this anymore so I’m not going to.  Thats all for now.

~Dawn