It is time to let go..

A lot has happened within the past couple days. I kept saying to myself “You need to get online and write it out.” But I was just exhausted mentally and physically and couldn’t bring myself to do it until this morning.

Friday, I had my doctor appointment. Found out that I had lost an additional 5 pounds. I have really been slacking lately so I am just happy that I haven’t gained any. I was still upset on some level but then the more I thought about it, the more I realized how stupid I was being over it. I was also informed that I have ADD.. Which okay yeah there are medications to help fix that… but guess what The genetics test I had done a couple weeks ago revealed that my body will reject EACH AND EVERYONE ONE of those ADD medications….. I can’t even take one.. I also found that out of all the anxiety and depression medications… My body will ONLY ACCEPT TWO! No wonder I have been struggling all these years. Every drug I have tried are the ones that my body rejects. I don’t know how many times I was judged by doctors or even friends and family .. telling them that the medications weren’t working and only making me feel worse. I felt like no one believed me and only felt like I was making up being depressed for attention. Which is complete bullshit but a lot of people just think because you are taking meds that they MUST work. But my genetics are so fucked up that my body doesn’t want anything inside of me, weather it is supposed to help or not. So as my doctor told me all of this, I of course had a breakdown in the office. I finally get some light shed on what has been going on with me… and then I am told that there is basically nothing they can do to help me. And that the only help they really have to offer is extensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy… Which means at the age of 31.. I have to retrain the entire way that I think and feel. What the fuck…. I have enough going on.. I am overwhelmed and I don’t want to feel like this any longer… let alone the rest of my life. I am so scared.. And once again I can’t really talk to my family about it because I tried and my mom said.. “Well doesn’t that tell you something? .. That you really don’t need them then.” My parents look at me and think that I am fine and that all of these things are in my head. Thankfully my sister vouches for me. When I told her .. the first thing she said is that she can tell when I “check out,” when people are talking to me. I don’t know. I went and got a massage on Saturday. Tried to relax. However, as sweet as she was, my massage therapist talked the entire time. I couldn’t really get into the relaxation mode. But, her and I are actually very similar and have been thru a lot of the same situations so I guess it was nice to vent a little. I think our conversation ended up maybe helping us both in some sort of way.

Saturday night, I ended up going over to the Fuckbois house. Ehhh HUGE mistake. Everything was fine when I first got there. I had stopped to pick up a movie and some popcorn for us. It was supposed to be a date night. I get there and the first hour we had fun. But… BUT then I over saw him texting other girls while we were sitting there and I remember one line that really stuck out to me on his text. His font was bigger than normal on his phone too so I think that was why it was so easy to see it. But it said *I am checking you out :)* Well… my mood when South really quickly. So I didn’t really say anything right away. I just got on my phone and was texting as well. We were drinking Gin, so naturally my filter began to lower. At one point he got really angry at the Xbox because it wasn’t rewinding the DVD back to a spot he wanted to re-watch fast enough.. He threw a temper tantrum like a little kid. I knew he was a Narcissist to some degree but Saturday night he let his full color spectrum shine! … He is exactly like one of my crazy exes. At first it was fun watching it and setting him off.. After that we were watching the movie and it was all good. I was texting on and off.. just as he was. But at some point he got angry and grabbed my phone and was trying to go through it and of course I was trying to get it back.. but he was literally upset I could see it on his face.. He kept saying how I should feel guilty and I must be doing something wrong.. because I was trying to get my phone back from him. It was bad. He finally gave it back.. but at that point the night was ruined. I can’t remember the exact timeline of everything because at that point I was drunk. But I remember him telling me that my weight bothered him… Even tho I have recently lost 35 pounds and I am still going.. He told me I am doing amazing but he wishes that I could lose it faster because he isn’t getting any younger.. and said that he was getting tired of waiting to formally date me… Over weight? He had no trouble sticking his dick in me.. (sorry I am very blunt and vulgar) We both got along great for the most part.. He always told me how much he liked having me around and how he really liked me because we could have fun and there wasn’t any drama…. but then he says that to me. That my weight REALLY bothers him…. and that’s why we aren’t official.. I guess that is why he is fucking other women too. At that point I lost it. I remember telling him that it’s bullshit and he’s an asshole. I told him that in the past 3 months I have lost 35 pounds and doesn’t that account for something. Asked him why he couldn’t be happy for me and proud of me. He then tried to back peddle and say that he was proud. I even remember him kissing me and kissing me on the forehead. Then I remember giving him a blow job and once again he had no trouble touching me either…… Anyways something was said or done and that was THAT. I told him I was going to leave and he kept saying he didn’t want me to leave… but then I would say things like “Why you don’t want me here anyway.. since my weight bothers and disgusts you so much..” Told him he could invite one of his other girlfriends over. He must’ve passed out on the couch because I vaguely remember looking at his phone to check the time and he had all these alerts from POF and Tinder. It was at that moment that I was done. I went fell asleep in his guest bedroom and in the morning I got up and collected all of my things. Minus my nose ring. Who knows where that went. He was still passed out on the couch. And I left. Sent him a text message telling him it was over and basically that if he can’t be there for me through my progress and be supportive of me and I told him that I was tired of feeling like something was wrong with me and that I wasn’t enough because I AM.. He texted back apologizing and wishing me well of course. I never responded he’s the second worst person on this planet. I am not hurt that I lost him. I am more hurt that I let myself care about what he thought about me to the fact that it really upset me.. Just because I am not 120 pounds or anywhere close to it.. that doesn’t make me any less of a woman and that doesn’t mean that I am not beautiful.

It’s his loss..

I have a lot more I want to type up today, but I have to get to the gym while I have the energy. I hope that I can find the time later to get back on here and finish up with a second entry today. I hope you all are well and happy.