I miss my friend..

So here I am.. I know, I keep promising that I won’t leave.. and I do.. I just hit a really rough patch and completely shut down..

So I broke up with the guy about a month and a half ago… He just wasn’t what I thought he was. He doesn’t have his priorities where they need to be for a 31 year old… He is more like a 20 year old. He kept doing mindless things.. It is a long story.. one in which I may write about here one day.. but don’t really feel the need to as it didn’t really hurt when it ended. I got closure pretty quickly with it.

I have had, what I am about to tell you, on my mind for quite some time now.. And I need advice.

Currently sitting on my patio.. with a glass of wine.. Thunderstorm just rolled in.. Most days I wish I didn’t have to leave this patio.

I lost my best friend over a year ago.. not to death or anything like that… but to pride.. on both of our accounts. We were best friends for over 10 years..

It had been when I just left PA.. lost the love of my life to immaturity.. had to restart in a place that I didn’t even want to be.. Found out at the time that my dad had cancer.. I had so much shit going through my head and I let it turn me into a monster. I was so fucked up on medication and alcohol.. trying to numb myself so much that nothing else could hurt me.. so people couldn’t see me breaking inside. I became a bad friend and shut myself off from him and everyone else that loved me.. and turned to anger.. turned to sex and like I said meds and alcohol .. and I lost my best friend in the midst of it. There is not one day that has gone by that I don’t think about him and wonder if he will ever come back.. We both said a lot of things that should’ve never been said.. and deep down.. I hope one day he realizes where it was coming from on my end.. I have already forgiven him a long time ago.. I am just hoping that one day I wake up to a message from my best friend telling me how much he has missed me.. I hope that he is well.. He deserves so much. I have healed and I only wish that he could see me. I know that he would be proud.. I am bawling my eyes out writing this.. and the rain just keeps coming down harder. I just wish he knew how sorry I am and how much I miss him. I want to write to him… but I don’t know if that would only be making it worse.. I want to reach out so bad.. He has me blocked on Facebook.. I have even thought about making a new one.. to send him a message.. but I just don’t know.

I just miss my best friend so much.. It hurts so… fucking… bad