Here goes nothing..

First entry… Wow where do I even begin at this point? In the past year, I have lost the love of my life and a couple best friends that never in a million years would I have thought that they would turn their backs on me.. Yes, they didn’t pass away.. but often I think maybe I would be better off if that were the case. At least then with time I could deal with it a little easier than having to wake up every morning and the first thought to smack me in the face is that they chose to leave me in this cold, harsh and fake world.

Especially the love of my life. The one that told me time and time again that he would never leave my side… that this cruel world had done enough damage to me and he was going to see to it that I never hurt again… He was going to give me the life that I deserved… But was that before or after he decided to stick his dick in everyone that had a vagina BUT me.. All words and empty promises and after years and years of building what I thought was my “Happily Ever After,” Humpy Dumpty had a GREAT FALL. And just like that we were strangers.. Forced to live inside this hell together.. but miles and miles apart. Yes, I put miles between us. I had to.. That was the only way I knew how to salvage what I had left of my sanity. But God damnit, I miss his fucking smile and think about him every single day. But to him, it’s like I don’t even exist anymore. It was “Oh, thanks for the memories.. I will always love you… You deserve so much more than I can give you.. I am losing my mind without you..” To, within a couple months time “I don’t even think about you anymore, I’ve moved on. We just were never meant to last. I am talking to someone new who isn’t like you, except the fact that you are both weird.”

Cue the tears….. Fuck

My biggest fucking question of all time.. How do you just fall out of love with someone you spent years and years planning the rest of your life with? How do you move on in literally 2 months time.. from the person you said had “Most beautiful soul I have ever seen… You are not made for this world.. You will have someone that loves you until you’re in the grave.. You are my most favorite person in this whole world.” HOW DO YOU FUCKING WALK AWAY FROM THAT?

If you can’t tell… I have needed to get this out. I no longer have anyone to talk to. I lost my friends and my family never really liked him from the beginning and they just think that I should’ve been over it by now.. If not months and months ago. I keep it all bottled inside.

I now feel like I am locked in a cage. Every guy that I try to date just never measures up to him and I want to scream. He was honestly my soul mate and now.. I have no idea how to even move on from here. I have tried .. every single possible way. I don’t know. What it all comes down to is the fact that I have literally lost everything.. and most days I wonder why I even go on.. but there is a small part of me that wants to create something out of nothing.. To build something so big and beautiful out of this shit hole life has put me in. In the grand scheme of things I am sure all of you reading this is like, “Oh wow, breakups happen to people every single day.. get over yourself.” But the truth is… This is only the tip of the iceberg that has inevitably sank my fucking ship. Maybe I will open up about it.. Who knows.