Easier to blame with a broken heart..Hate me now that we’ve grown apart

Of course the positivty couldn’t last long. Of course depression was always right there waiting around the corner to pounce on me again. In a way I feel better being off my medications.. but holy shit do I have a temper… and no patience.. It isn’t a good mixture. I really don’t want to go back to the doctor at the end of the month. I am so afraid that she is going to put me on some different medication or up the low dose that I am already on for anxiety.. I don’t want to turn into a zombie again.

While crying sucks, it feels good to empty my feelings, rather than letting them stir inside me. I have been crying a lot lately. There have been a lot of “A-HA,” moments recently. Like when I feel love for my dog or a friend of mine. I actually feel it and am thankful for having such a great dog and friend..

I don’t have very many friends anymore. I should’ve known that they were all fake and selfish. I tried and tried. I reached out until it got to the point that there was no point in reaching out anymore. Why should I have to always put myself out on a limb.. or go OUT OF MY WAY to make time or make trips to see them. I have maybe one friend now that I can solely rely on.. And I am thankful for him.. but I often wonder if he will just sell me out like all the other terrible people did.. When I was my lowest and had nothing to offer them.. which all they ever really wanted was attention.. ME ME MEEEE.. and when I was going through my lowest of lows.. I could barely give myself the attention I needed.. let alone feed their ego.. And sure enough instead of being there for me.. they turned on me.. turned their backs… I shut the door. They can stay the fuck away from me forever. If there is anything that I have learned from all of this, it’s.. You can never truly trust anyone.. friendship is a fucking joke.. Love is a fucking joke.. I got me, myself and I.. I do value the friendships I have.. but I know that they don’t extend much further than a text here and there.. maybe dinner.. lunch.. coffee.. And that sucks sure.. but sharing yourself with someone and thinking that they would always have your back.. only to find out that they value others more than you .. even when you had been there time and time…. and time again.. Well that just hurts beyond measure. It hurts less to keep everything superficial.. and save your true self for your own self. It’s easier that way when they decide that you’re of no use to them anymore.

Sad BUT True..

Of course A has been terrible with texting back. We texted a little the other night. I showed him my new haircut. He told me that I look absolutely beautiful and that he loves to see me smile. Well okay A, then how about you stop leaving me on READ for days at a time? You told me that you liked me.. told me how beautiful I am.. How I make you laugh.. etc… Even said about hanging out again this weekend (Which WE still haven’t made plans for) .. but you text me maybe 2 times every other day…. Never know when I am going to hear from you. It is frustrating and I can see my hope for a future for us is diminishing. I deserve better than this. I understand that people don’t need to text every single day.. I get that.. but if he is going to initiate a conversation he should at least plan to respond to it more than 2 texts.. I don’t know. Fuck it too

I am going to leave a picture here.. I saw it on IG and it made me cry. Brought me into a breakdown actually.. It made me think about all of the people that have hurt me in the past and how bitter I am still. I may not show it all of the time.. but there are times that I am extremely mean and cold towards people.. I know that it stems from all the bullshit I went through in the past.. and all of the fake people that I fell in love with and was best friends with. People I thought I would have through out my journey in life.. and they just turned out to be terrible people.. like everyone else before.. But anyways. I am going to work on freeing this up inside of me. I am sick of hurting. Sick of missing out. Sick of being afraid to speak my mind. Sick of feeling empty because of other peoples emptiness that they took out on me.

I hope that you are all well. I really do.. and I do value my readers.. and appreciate all of the love you have shown me since my arrival here. Please don’t take any part of this post to heart. I give my trust freely to new people and friends until they ruin it or show me that they don’t deserve it. Love you all.