Our Story Part 5: Fall of 1997

I was at a loss after I broke up with Rusty. I hated how much his dad would control situations but I did not want to be blamed for them fighting all the time. Those 2 months I felt like I was really lost. I drank and did way too many drugs to numb my heart ache. So how do you heal a broken heart? A party. Not just a regular party, it’s your last year being a teenage party! My friends “Lisa” & “Kim” (again saving real names because well at the end of all this I don’t want people pissed that I shared all this) thought it would be great idea to invite everyone in my address book. Well that was not good because this was not my current address book and they called about 6 of my exes to this thing. 2 came. One being Rusty.

So side note, anytime there has been a change in my life, I tend to do stupid shit to me hair. When I was senior, I thought I would take my Senior Pictures and hours later had a friend of mine named ” Margo” shave my head and give me a Liberty Mohawk cut. So when I was graduating most of my hair underside was growing back but I still had it long on top for cap and gown.

So back to the story. So Break up with Rusty. Went on a drug binge and thought it would be nice to make all my hair even. So I cut it all down into a pixie cut. Bleached it. Colored it Manic Panic RED. I looked like Ronald McDonald RED. Mind you I hate clowns. So yeah it was not what I wanted really but I wanted to look like my hair was bleeding because inside I was. So All my friends come to this house party at my place. We have people coming and going, I had one friend who left and came back more messed up and crying. A lot of my friends I had either done Theater with me in High School, or other friends hung out with me and smoked pot or my other friends I knew from doing harder drugs with outside of school. So it was a lot of weird and different people there. My ex that I dated before Rusty came. He didn’t stay long. We ended things on a good note so it was nice to see him, but a few hours in I was beyond wasted and I was playing poker with a few people…here walks in Rusty. Everything went numb inside me and I couldn’t breathe. All I could do was ask, “why was he here” inside me head. I pulled Lisa near me and asked why he was here. All she could say was we called everyone in this book. As I looked at her hand holding the address book. DAMN!!!!

I grabbed my 2 friends and walked around the living room thru my kitchen down the hall to my room to talk to them, I was in shock he came when they called him. I asked who talked to him, it landed up being Kim. She said he seemed really happy to be invited. Now what was I suppose to do? Talk to him, ignore him, ask him to leave? I went back to the party and tripped knocking both of my friends over and me landing on top of them and I hear ” Oh my god, I think I am in love” from a voice I had not heard in years. It was dear friend “Matt”. Matt climbed on top of me while the other 2 girls laughed and made jokes and Matt helped me up. I gave him the biggest hug and kiss because I had not laid eyes on him in 2 years. When I hugged Matt, I saw Rusty from across the room and it looked like I had made him sad because I was hugging someone else and I still had not made my way to see him. I knew this was going to be hard. Then I hear Lisa, ” Wait you killed an animal!” She was talking with Rusty. Now I had to go over and see what was going on.

Lisa and Rusty had started talking and mentioned how he was forced to go hunting. That he had killed a rabbit. I asked if he ate it? He glanced up from behind his hat with those hazel eyes and side tilt with that grin on his face. Damn it!! I was one smitten kitten. “Hi”. Just him saying it made me weak in the knees. Man did I have it bad for him and I was screaming at myself in my head over and over, “You IDIOT”. I asked if he wanted to talk alone. So went to my room. I opened up my window and sat next to it while I smoked. We talked about how he was working and was thinking about moving out of his parents. He asked if I was with Matt and when I told him no, he gleamed. I asked how things had been between his dad and him and he said no more fighting. So in my head I took it as this needed to be a friendship. As the night went on more people came and the more messed up I got. So messed up that I started making out with a friend of mine “Jackson”. Then I passed out.

In the morning I woke up to Jackson in my bed. I felt like death but could tell I didn’t have sex. Then I saw Kim and some guy on my floor in my room and I made my way from bathroom to kitchen, I could see a sea of bodies passed out all over my living room. I made coffee, it was 7am. as I glanced into the living room I saw Lisa and Rusty laying together with her on his chest. THAT BITCH!! I dropped my cup and it made a load noise waking Rusty up. He could see my face and told me he was sorry but he needed to go. I just nodded and walked to him to the door. As he left up the stair, I told him I didn’t sleep with Jackson. I drank way to much and I had no idea why I made out with him. He looked over his shoulder and told me Happy Birthday. I missed you. Then left. This was the only goodbye that didn’t take as long.

When I walked back in, everyone was moving around gathering their things and Lisa went to grab a lighter from my room when I asked her, so did you 2 make out? She tells me, ” GOD NO. He’s short and way too much into you. You broke his heart. The guy was like a lost puppy when you went back there. I told him he should go home but he was hoping you would come back out. Dude, he cried. I felt bad for him. So I hugged him and we fell asleep talking. I swear.” I believed her but my wasted brain blurted out “I think he likes you, I think you should date him”.

I was 19, on drugs and still drunk I am sure, but my logic was, if he dates my best friend he’ll always be around and we can just be friends. I know, there is no logic in that. I was dumb!! But at the time I thought it was brilliant. Nope I was wrong!

I hooked them up and Halloween night we had a Horror Movie marathon and Rusty brought the movie Scream. I never had watched it. I knew nothing of it but I did love Horror movies. I was working that day and on my way home I called my exes little brother who was working at a Pizza place and to see if he could bring over a few after work. “Brandon” came over with 6 pizzas and met me at Lisa’s moms house. As we walked in, Lisa was sitting on Rusty and was kissing him. I left and walked up the street to where my dealer lived.

I was a mess. I had no right to hook them up. I had no right to be upset, this was my doing. I knocked on the door, I gave my money and next thing I know I am waking up 3 days later with a needle in my arm. Blood coming out of my arm, and vomit in my hair. Yup this was lowest of my lows. This was something I really thought if I continue on this path I will be dead. I walked back to Lisa’s to get my car. I drove back to my apartment. My roommates and friends all there having a party. Lisa asked where I was and what happened to me. Told her I needed to get away. She then told me Rusty already broke up with her. Said he couldn’t do it. He was in love with me still.

I went into the shower and cried. Then I had this sharp pain in my belly. I thought it was period. I saw some blood and thought nothing else. The next morning  I went to store and was in more pain. Can’t be my appendix, already had that out. Had to be with withdrawals. I kept shopping and then the pain was worse and I was bleeding so much it was going thru. Store clerk called the EMTs. I went to the hospital and I was asked when was my last period. HUH? I was not sure. I was always not like other girls when it came to that (that’s a longer story). I was not sure. So they ran tests. I was told I was pregnant. Then I had to say how I just used a drug I was not sure what it was. I was having a miscarriage and I didn’t even know. I was there 1 full day before they sent me home.

I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t even call Rusty. I thought I already ruined this poor guy, why complicate it. I know, I am selfish Bitch and probably deserved the Karma. Rusty reached out after Christmas and asked if we could hang out. I told his sure. He asked if I still wanted to watch the movie Scream since I missed it. Told him sure. It was just him and I when he came over. I had been clean 6 weeks. I was going thru serious mood swings and depression. Having him there made it all better. I looked like death. He asked if I was sick. I explained I was trying to get clean. He told me he didn’t know I was that far off. I explained it got worse after we broke up. He asked me if I wanted to get back together, I told him that Idea sounded great but if I was going to ever get back together with him, I needed to find myself. We watched the movie and we joked around. I never could bring myself to tell him about the baby.

It would be April of 1999 before I would see him again or talk to him.