I Need to get a Grip!

Oh….I am so nervous about tomorrow. Almost sick to my stomach. I may have to take some TUMS or something to help relieve my stomach. This is not good. But, I figure that the worst will be over with after tomorrow and I will be so relieved. It will be over and done with. Obviously, I am NOT a very open person. I have tons and tons of things just waiting to get out tomorrow. That’s one of the reasons why I keep this diary. I don’t tell anyone anything. I am so insecure. That’s the basic reason why I need counseling. I think I may bring this laptop with me. I don’t know. That way I can type my notes. Yet again, I can always just write them by hand. I don’t know. I can’t forget my health insurance card. I realize that being anxious and afraid of the counseling process is an unreasonable fear, but I still feel it. It’s stupid. Why am I afraid? I believe it’s because I’ve never told anyone any of this before. Maybe I wrote about 90% of it in here, but, other-than-that, I haven’t told a single soul. Something is definately wrong with me. Oh my. Anyway, I’m also afraid of what the counselor is going to think of me. Is he/she going to judge me? What are they going to judge me based upon? Am I going to get along with the counselor? Is he/she going to understand me? The whole nine yards. There are a million and one questions. It’ll be a whole new experience. I am scared out of my mind! Ahhhh! Okay, Steph….let’s think about this….what’s the worst that could happen? They could judge me…so? Everyone judges someone at some point in time, right? So what?! Let’s be reasonable. Just calm down. If you have a panic attack in front of them, just allow it to happen. So what?! I’m sure they have seen a lot worse. Just get a grip! It’s healthy! It will provide you an outlet! Think positive! 

So yeah, Ted doesn’t like me. And I could care less. But, a patient likes me. And he’s leaving tomorrow! He always, always says good morning or good afternoon or whatever to me every chance he gets.

I guess I am off to make a list of concerns in which to speak about with the counselor. I don’t know if he/she will want my life story or what but I want to make sure I include EVERYTHING that is essential. Wish me good luck! I remember something like this happened before…Okay, remember Ryan? To refresh your memory, he was some guy that contacted me via My Space and told me to call him. So I did. And the first couple of times we talked on the phone, I was a nervous wreck! I was so panicky! A month later he told me I was so much calmer, so much more at ease. So it will get easier….the only way is up. Change for the better, remember? No excuses either!