It’s been awhile…

Hello. Let me reintroduce myself. My name is Echo I am 36yrs old from northern Mn born and raised. I have 4 beautiful daughters from 18, 14,11 and 7. I have been married for 13yrs. The past couple years have thrown me for a loop and I am not exactly sure what to do with my life or who I am even. I have lost my grandma in May 2018 who was my whole world and recently lost my mother in September 2021. My grandmother was on hospice and expected to pass. However my mother was 58 and not in good health and did not do anything to help all of her ailments. But was totally unexpected. I hadn’t talked to her in a few days which was not abnormal. Then I got notice she did not show to her doctor appointment so I knew something was terribly wrong. Sure enough had a welfare check done and she was on the floor had been there for 3days the medical examiner said. My mother was an alcoholic my whole life. She had COPD and CHF along with sleep apnea and many other things. I don’t have a dad and am an only child. So this was on me and only me. She had NO life insurance and no 401k. She was thousands of dollars in credit card debt and still owed 40k on her home. I believe she still owes the IRS as well. So I am trying to navigate all of this alone. It is so hard. I am so heartbroken. I feel so alone. I was always the caregiver for everyone. Now I just have to care for my family and I. I have so much regret and hold so much guilt. Cleaning out her house was so hard. Cleaning your dead moms blood off the floor has to be the worst thing in my life. They said it was natural causes. No foul play or trauma. Every day I wake up and relive the nightmare all over again. 4 months have passed and it doesn’t feel like it. I am in therapy but only once a month because she is so booked. I know I need it more than that but I haven’t clicked with any other therapist. I have had hives since she died. I itch so bad it’s absolutely awful. Enough to make you crazy. Then recently I was diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa. It’s in my armpits and my groin. Ugh. I am so over all of it. I miss my mom and my grandma. Today would be her 80th birthday. She was a wonderful woman. Last week I went and did Nutrition Response Testing. It was very interesting. I thought what do I have to lose at this point. Nothing the doctors have tried has helped me at all. The only thing that even remotely helps is my medical marijuana. Got my test results yesterday. I have sensitivities to gluten, artificial sweeteners, processed cheese and few other things. Copper and Mold in my body. Parasites…ick. My liver , colon, thyroid and some other organs are all wonky too. so she started me on a regiment of natural supplements to hopefully help me. for $378 it better help. OMG. This week my kid has been sick so I have only made it work 3hours. I am so sick of fucking covid. Has a sniffle so she has to be tested by a specific test before she can go back. Its so dumb. OVER It!!! These poor kids are not getting proper education when they are getting sent home every other week. Anyways Rant over.