Gloomy Entry
I was working out on the Concept 2 next to the coach for the University Women’s Crew at the “Y” in the early afternoon yesterday. He commented, “Boy, it sure is dark in here today.” There are floor to ceiling glass windows along the north wall of the workout room. I reminded him, “The sun is moving south, it won’t be bright in here for a while.” To use that as a metaphor, I’m wondering how long it is going to take before I’m feeling “bright” again. Losing my Dagney has been every bit as agonizing as I was expecting it to be. I’m missing her so and am having second thoughts of having her euthanized. The rational me admits her quality time was over and putting her down was the most humane thing to do. The emotional me is thinking I was too hasty, some miracle medical treatment could have worked and she would still be here. These two sides, my heart and mind have been in conflict for the past two weeks leaving me an emotional mess.
The past few days I’ve been embroiled in putting together the agenda for the Rowing Club Board meeting to be held here at my house Wednesday evening. Researching back through the minutes from meetings and e-mails from 3+ years back has been painful and has opened a lot of old wounds. I can’t say much here about the politics of what is happening except that all this mess and drama has drained away all the joy I initially got from rowing. I’m hoping this will pass, as I’ve been down this road before with the club.
The world and local news has me wanting to just hide in a hole. At the “Y” the TV’s hanging from the ceiling are tuned to the news stations. Mercifully there is no volume, but those repeating images of the horror of the minute, constant text scrolling, and hysterical “NEWS ALERTS” flashing drives me crazy. I happened to glance at one of the streaming Fox headlines and at first thought it read: Middle East war on Christmas. My instinct kicked in how Fox was getting the jump on their yearly “Put Christ back in Christmas” campaign. A second look confirmed it was Christians, not XMAS in that blur. I’m so ashamed to say it, but the latest mass murder in Virginia evoked no outrage from my soul. My reaction was just, “Oh well, just another day in paradise.”
I can feel the shorter days and recent gloomy weather affecting my mood and outlook. With all the other drama going on in my life right now I just feel like shit. I’m an adult; I’m telling it like it is. This is my time and place to vent: sugarcoating the obvious is not an option. I’m just hoping my old self will soon resurface. I just hate feeling this way and know that it is going to take a bit of time.
I hate to say this, but have you considered a kitten. Rick was forced into it and it changed everything to the positive.
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Hugs, my friend. I agree with Georgette; a kitten’s antics would cheer you up so you would be laughing through your tears. Also, have you looked into pet grief support groups in Tuscaloosa or there may be forums online.
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Shoot. As Bill Clinton always said, “I feel your pain.” I do. I also understand the ruminating and questioning but from what you described, there was no way to save Daggy. Brick, you did the right and the humane thing in putting her to sleep. I never sugar coat and I never say things I don’t believe. I’m not just being “nice.” Daggy needed you to help her out. / What did you do the last timeyou became depressed? Are you exercising and taking vitamin D3 and B’s? / Daggy was very, very special and I am truly sorry she is gone. Keep writing here, whenever you need to. Wise not to focus on the sickening news. Robert Reich, Bill Moyers, Bernie Sanders – heroes like those buoy me up – but I don’t hold out much hope for humanity either. Aim toward the sunny side, dear Friend, as much as you can.
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Maybe you also have a touch of the winter blues (seasonal affective disorder), knowing that the shorter, colder days are on the way. September is hard for you, and the Daggy loss just multiplies the sorrow by at least 10. But do NOT question having her euthanized. I know it is hard not to, especially when you miss her so. She was no longer “living” Jamie, and you know that. Maybe there is somemedical treatment out there, but it would have been painful and exhausting for her, and would have sucked the life out of her anyway. Do not entertain those thoughts. My mantra during hard times is “It won’t always hurt like this.” And it won’t. Just hang in there, ok? You did what was right for HER – not for you – and that is the #1 important thing. Keeping her alive through medical treatments would have been for YOU, not her, and if (a BIG if) anything did work, the additional time granted would have been marginal. You know all of this, J. You did the right thing – you did what was right for her. Suffering is not living. She had a great life, thanks to you, and you allowed her to move on when she told you she was ready to go. xox
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Never doubt that you did the right thing. Daggy was suffering but was unable to tell you so. But you saw the signs and did the compassionate thing. You’re sad and missing her, and the shorter, dark days make you even sadder. You have a lot of love to give…a lonely kitten out there is looking for you.
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dear friend. i love you. i so regret your loss. perhaps you can find a kitten that needs to be rescued? your call.
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Oh wow. I can’t say it any better than your previous noters, especially Cibos and TickTockTickTock. Thinking of you tonight and hoping your old self soon shows his face to you!
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((((hugs))))
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The decision to put down our loving pets is a hard one & sometimes it really haunts us. Your girl gave you such a good love & you gave her such a good love. It’s time to hold your decision in your heart & realize keeping her here was not for her but for you…& as hard as it is you took the humane & unselfish road. Good on you. The gloom will lift. Sending you positive energy to help it lift~~~
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You did for Dagny what she was not able to do for herself. This was painful for you but the right thing for her. I found that when I lived in Vermont that my SAD lamp was very helpful with my depression and sadness.
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How’re you doing, Brick? Thinking about you and hoping you’re getting help if you are still feeling “down.”
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I’m sure the loss of Dagney is colouring everything that happens lately, not to mention the antics of that wingnut, Ted. When my cat McQueen was hit by a car I was having trouble at work. It was one big whirlpool of yuck. I know it is soon, but you could go to an animal shelter and pick up a kitten…a legacy to Dagney. It would not be disrespectul to give another cat a chanceat a wonderful life. If you pick a kitten, Stumpy will always be the boss. Nothing like a kitten to put a smile on your face.
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