Drained.

Seriously, I’m drained.  Mentally.

I was thinking about this in the middle of the night when I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep right away.  I’ve been beat up and just exhausted over the past 7-9 years, and I’m just drained. 

I haven’t had a vacation, like away from the house for any amount of time over a couple of days, in years, literally.  That’s taking it’s toll on me.  I haven’t been able to get away with C in just as long (I think our last "vacation" was my friends wedding in Oregon in 2008)…that’s just sad.  I don’t consider my hysterectomy to be a vacation, I’m afraid.

C’s ex caused massive havoc on our relationship until around January of this year.  She’s finally gone, I hope for good.  She wrote me a note on MFP (My Fitness Pal) because it’s the ONLY place she could figure out to contact me at without calling the house, and she told me, "you won."  I won?  Really?  This past 6 years you’d been after C was all just a GAME to you?  Your constant harping, crying, trying to take her away from me and from herself was all just some GAME?  What a fucking nut-job!!!  Good riddance, bitch.  God.

C has been getting emotional help from elsewhere, which has given me some time to calm down and really start to decompress, and I’m realizing that I’m just really, really drained.  I don’t want to go to a therapist to talk it through, as I can do that here, or with friends (friends? Do I still have any of those?), or elsewhere – I don’t need someone to help me figure out what I already know I’m feeling, but I do need to figure out how to get it out of my system, so I hope I write more here about all this so I can purge some of it.

The Crazy Ex actually got C to a point last year where she almost took her own life – thank God she got drunk off her ass and passed out before she swallowed all her pills (heart meds, depression pills, etc.).  Thank God the Crazy Ex raped C last year when they went to the same state together (something I didn’t think was a good idea, but I knew if I didn’t allow it that C would hold it against me, and I’d have to deal with the Crazy Ex even more in the future, as she was actually trying to forge a friendship with her not based on their past…ya, that didn’t work).  Thank God the Crazy Ex fucked C up so badly that she finally had to let her go…but, not before trying to let me go first.  She was that fucked up.

Thank God that C is alive, getting help, and starting to understand what the past 6 years have been like for me, and for her.  I’m grateful she’s with me, but I’m still not sure how I’ve survived this Epic Battle for her soul that I got thrown into.

When I met C, to be fair, I realized she would have a battle with her family for her happiness – I knew that, I was fine with that – I saw a LOT of myself in her with the whole religion thing…but, I didn’t plan on her having a Bi-Polar, BPD Ex that would tag along in our relationship for years, and tell C that she "wasn’t the same person you were in Wisconsin, and you should move back there because I liked you better there, living with your parents and going to church and living a life of hiding in the closet" (essentially that’s what she wanted, as she wanted C to move back home…WTF?).  ::sigh::

I didn’t plan on getting into a relationship with Jekyll and Hyde.

I’m happy that the crazy one is gone, and that C has woken up and is working on US for a change.  It’s nice.  It’s what I knew she had in her.  I see so much amazing light and life in her, it’s just that she’s still digging it out…it was buried by so much bullshit from her family, religion and the Crazy Ex that she forgot who she was.  She is still realizing who she is, I think, on many levels.  It’s okay, I’ll stick around, I like what I’m seeing…but, I’m still drained.

I just wanted to say this, so it’s out there, so C knows, so everyone knows.  I’m not unhappy with my choices, but I wish it wouldn’t have had to be like that.  I wish that our relationship could have been a little calmer – but, then again, maybe all the work I put into it will finally pay off in Spades.

I always hoped it would be a kiss that would wake her up from her deep darkness, and not being raped – but, it definitely jolted her out of the hell she was in, and catapulted her back into the real world.

I love you C. Still. I always have. More than you know, more than I think you realize at times. . . 

-T