The first step is Admittance right? So here goes..

Since I had Braylon I have been sick of my body. Disgusted by the image in the mirror. Secretly insecure and its at its worst.  I hate taking pictures…cringe when people tell me I am beautiful and have taken to staying in the house. The only time I leave is to do makeup or go to the store….or if Bray has something to do at school. I have become a shell of my former outgoing self. 

I hurt daily…and I watch the scale creep up in numbers…currently I am at 226…my heaviest was 232. I am 5’9 and some change…and build solid like a Ford so I am in a size 14/16 depending on who makes the clothes. My issue comes not from my size but because of my binge eating disorder. I can bake a cake and eat the whole thing in a day….I starve myself in front of others because I don’t want it to be ‘look at the fat girl eat’, but when I get home I eat like I’ve been nutritionally neglected for years. I can eat most men under the table…and I’m never satisfied…never full.It’s embarrassing and I am sooooo low right now.

I’ve been working out for over a month and haven’t lost any weight because I can’t stop eating. Because of this I never gave my body time to bounce back from my near kidney failure with Bray….so the doctors tell me that if I don’t lose at least 40 lbs I won’t make it to 30….I need help….I need someone to help me….I don’t want to be this girl anymore….I don’t want to be trapped in this unhappy place….

The hardest thing is knowing that before I had Bray I was a picture of health….a volleyball player who worked out hardcore EVERYDAY and was in good health. I’ve never been stick then. I was like 190-195 the day I found out I was pregnant but I was still in a 10.  I’m just built different. But I need help…I have to get back to her….get back to health…and escape this horrible place I’m in….

So if the first step to recovery is admittance….then here I am…fully exposed and admitting that I need help…..

I think I am going to start using this as a healing journal…