Untitled (Because it Doesn’t Matter)

I am constantly searching for something.

That is a lie.

I am constantly waiting for something.

I cannot be content with my talents.  For me, I am not good unless I am good at something I am not.  I am not good looking but I want to be.  I am not a musician but I want to be.  I am not a writer but I want to be.  I am not an artist but I want to be.

I am not alive but I want to be.

What little I can do I do not cultivate and nurture.  I ignore it in hopes of pursuing ideas beyond my scope of ability.  I set out to conquer and I usual fail, leaving me depressed, deflated and diluted.  I am made up of all of these different parts and I do not want them.  I disapprove, reject and ignore.  I cleave into myself my own crisis.  

I am very much a follower.  Weak.  I always have been.  

Tomorrow, I’m leaving to stay with my sister for a week or two.  I can’t say I’m thrilled as she’s not a…uh, people person.  But it’s the only way I can stay in a larger city rent-free while looking for work.  And yesterday, I got a text from my former roommate offering me the chance at summer work in Kansas.  It seems like a leap but at least it’s a choice.  A choice I wasn’t having all these months ago. 

timing timing timing.

Things are always happening at the most inconvenient times.

And today Mom found a couple of local jobs.  Jobs that weren’t offered all these months ago before I had a plan.

I would like to think of this trip as another opportunity to start fresh.  That is, of course, if I can find a job and a place to live.  It would be nice as I’ve screwed up everything again.  College was supposed to be a clean slate but I only managed to muddle everything.  So, I’ll try again.  I’ll soldier on.

If staying with my sister doesn’t work, I’m just going to go around and stay with all my Open Diary favorites and other internet acquaintances.  So, get ready and prepare a couch for me ’cause I’ll be coming around to your neighborhood soon.  But, no, really, I think that’s a cool concept.  What if someone took a year off to just travel and visit all of their internet friends.  I’m going to pitch that as a reality show.

I’ve been coasting for a long time, floating in indecisiveness and hurt.  I’m tired and I’m on my last shattered leg.