Stolen Survey
Stolen from Nikki! 
1. Ever cheated on someone? How many times?
Never had the opportunity but I can assure you that I never ever will. Not that anyone intends to cheat (I hope) but I know that I wouldn’t even put myself in the position to be tempted. Get it? I wouldn’t put myself in that position…HA!
2. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Any day now…
3. How many people have you given oral sex to?
They call me Mr. Tongue Twister.
4. Do you know anyone who was raped?
Yes.
5. Did you ever do anything sexual on your parents bed?
Well, there was that one time that I was making their bed and fluffing their pillows and…let’s just say more than pillows were fluffed that fateful evening. J/K!
6. Ever been "the other person" in an affair?
Hopefully one day.
7. How many people do you have a crush on right now?
In a fun way, quite a few. Seriously, none.
8. How many people have you been in love with?
I am incapable of love.
9. Ever had a one night stand?
With the exception of the aforementioned saucy pillows, no I have not.
10. Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?
I can’t remember the night sober.
11. Ever been sexually harassed and/or assaulted?
One of my ex roommates friends showed me his balls one time…
12. Ever had a crush on your neighbor?
Yes, fifty-year-old women with mullets and no teeth get me as hard as a pack of Charmin.
13. Ever snuck out of the house?
Just to make those drug runs.
14. How many illegal drugs have you tried?
Well, speaking of drugs! I’m clean, man. I just traffic them.
15. Do you do any drug regularly?
Cheesecake.
16. If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?
Like, OMG, I was always totally xxstraightxxedgexx.
17. Ever cut yourself?
Only when I was in that vampire cult and we did the blood swapping ritual. Although the good old days are over, I’ll always carry a bit of Rod Ferrell with me.
18. Ever attempted suicide?
Just that one time when a man with a prosthetic arm killed my wife and I was framed for it. I was running through a tunnel that led to a damn spillway and instead of acquiescing to the police, I decided to jump over the edge and kill myself. I wasn’t going out like no PUNK. Fortunately I survived.
19. Ever been to therapy?
Electro shock therapy. It was titillating.
20. Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?
When I’m upset, I eat everything in sight. Except vegetables.
21. Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?
Although I haven’t been diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.
22. Ever hooked up with someone and regretted it?
I regret that I never hooked up with anyone! HeeyOH!
23. How old were you when you first got kissed?
The ripe old age of EIGHTEEN.
24. Is there any "friend" of yours that you secretly hate but talk to anyway?
Um, all of them?
25. Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?
Um, all of them?
26. Ever sent naked pictures to someone?
Only the ones I want to traumatize.
27. What about sent them to someone you met over the internet?
Only the ones I wanted to stop instant messaging me.
28. Ever been abused?
My ex roommate was pretty emotional abusive. And then there was the spooning. But I liked that, so I don’t consider that abuse.
29. Did you ever run away?
From my sanity.
30. Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?
I’m actually a thin black woman.
31. Ever liked someone else while dating someone?
I try to avoid that 90210 bullshiz.
32. Ever dated a friend’s ex?
Never dated period, YO!
33. Ever done something with your friend’s significant other?
I’m better than that!
34. Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?
Yes, a few Christmases ago. “Merry Chrimstas, I’m gayer than a box of penises!”
35. Have you ever questioned your sexuality?
I thought about jumping on the butt bandwagon a few times when I thought it would never work out with girls but I realized guys are just as LAME as girls. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to handle rejection from both sexes.
36. Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?
I wasn’t going to say anything about that dead hobo that my friend had stuffed under his bed but when I couldn’t stand going over to his place to play Xbox because of the stench of rotting flesh, I told him I’d tell if he didn’t get rid of it. No one effs up my Halo time.
37. Ever stole a large sum of money?
I wish. I need to fund my rhinoplasty.
38. Ever purposely threw up?
Yeah, you know, when eating disorders were in season.
39. Ever had an eating disorder? What happened?
I have one right now!
40. Did you or anyone you know have an abortion?
Sarah Palin.
41. Were you or any of your siblings an accident?
I asked my mom a few months ago if my arrival was planned and she said, "Well, your dad and I didn’t do anything to stop it." Sweet, I feel really welcomed.
42. Ever found porn on your parents’ computer?
No, and believe me, I check daily.
43. Do you look at porn?
I was curious. And then it snowballed, which incidentally, is a porno set in Oregon.
44. How many people have seen you naked?
The dead ones.
45. What about through pictures?
The ones who wish they were dead.
46. Ever had phone sex and/or cybered?
I tried to have p
hone sex once but because of my horrendous stutter, I only got through foreplay before the chick hung up on me. So I had to taught dirty to myself to finish up.
47. Ever got a piercing behind your parents’ back?
Yes! My lip and I’m probably going to get my wang pierced soon.
48. Ever sold or bought an illegal substance?
LOL, why yes I have!
49. What’s your #1 biggest fear?
Silly fear- Clowns.
Serious fear- No money.
50. Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?
Once again, WHY YES. When I worked at Rite-Aid, I was scheduled to work on Halloween. This mentally retarded man dressed as a clown bought a pumpkin carving kit but it wasn’t on sale like he thought it was so he proceeded to scream at me and tell me the sign said it was 25% off. I was pretty sure he was gonna open that pumpkin carving kit and stab me with one of the instruments so called the manager to take care of IT, and then scurried off to the back of the store and pooped myself a little bit.
True story.