so jealous

"I get so jealous that I can’t even work
there I am in the morning
I don’t like what I see…"
-Tegan & Sara, So Jealous

I’m jealous of a new guy at work.  He is thinner and better-looking and dresses better than I do and all the female customers and coworkers like him.  Before he came along, they liked me.  And it really gets to me when he talks to work girlfriend or she tells me he’s cute and she likes talking to him.  It’s like a hot poker going into my chest.  Seriously.  My chest floods with heat and I start to sweat.

It would be one thing if he was nice to me.  I’d still be jealous but I’d try to overcome it.  But he’s not.  He’s standoffish and when I try to make conversation with him, he gives me clipped, one-word answers.  And I don’t understand it because although I burn with shame and envy when I see him, I don’t show it.  I wave and am polite and try to engage in friendly chitchat but he won’t have it.

He reminds me of my first roommate at SCAD, the one who made my life hell.  They have the same build, clothing style and penchant for facial hair.  And apparently they have the same attitude.  And they’re both in bands.  So stereotypical it’s funny.

Like I said, I could get past all of that if he was nice but he’s not so it makes it hard for me when he’s in the same building I am.

I hate that I’m so insecure that someone else can stir up so much frustration inside me.  I look over and see work girlfriend talking to him and I see her laughing and I die more inside because she likes talking to him and I wonder if she likes talking to him more than she likes talking to me.  I wonder if she’d ever choose him over me.  If her wedding doesn’t go through (which I’m starting to doubt from our recent conversations), would she try to have a relationship with him?  If she did, I honestly think I’d fall apart.

I don’t even think I want her.  Maybe I do.  But I want to be wanted even more.  Because I’m insecure, remember.  I need that validation and I hate myself for it.  

I try.  I honestly try.  When I’m home and away from work, I try to give myself credit.  I can’t help how I look.  I can’t help that I’m losing my hair and have a round stomach and my face is shaped the way it is.  I’m working on it all.  I’m trying to better my looks.  I do the best I can with the mess I am.  And isn’t that all anyone can ask for?  And there are days when I feel decent about myself because I know I’m not hot but I’m not ugly.  I can clean up well.  And I try to hold onto that, to squeeze it until I believe it.  And sometimes I get close.

And then I see them talking again and it all goes away.

It’s funny how you can feel one way about someone when you’re thinking of them and a completely different way when you’re actually in their presence.  When I’m away from work, I feel I’m in a more logical space.  I can step back and realize I’m being irrational and I don’t even have to work with the guy.  I just pass him on the way out the door so he shouldn’t affect me at all.  He has his side of the store and I have mine.

And I don’t own work girlfriend.  She can talk to whoever she wants.  If anyone has any right to get jealous, it’s her fiance.  And just because she can enjoy a conversation with him, it doesn’t mean she would choose him over me.

And that’s all fine and good when I’m away from the situation but when I get back to work, all that rationality is sucked away and all that’s left is an insecure mess with a shiny forehead staring at two attractive people conversing and connecting.  And I’m crumbling.

I try.  I really do.  But it’s hard because I don’t like what I see.