Randy

Okay, I’m just gonna say it.

I really think that Zack and Miri Make a Porno movie had an effect on me.

It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  And no, I don’t mean horny.

Well, not entirely.

That feeling was more…romantic?

Ugh, the word leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  Yes, it’s been quite a while since I’ve really talked about love or romance.  In fact, I think the last I really wrote about it was way back in February when I did the fourteen straight days of love and loneliness entries.  I really had thought that I had expressed everything I was feeling.  I thought that it was finally out of me, that I had purged all the pain of love.  My Lords of Loneliness poems pretty much summed up how I felt/feel.  But, yet, here I am and those creeping feelings of fuzziness are coming back.

Perhaps the movie sparked it.  As I mentioned, it was really quite romantic.  Under all the penis jokes and fake boobies on display, there was an exposed organ that some people might not have expected:  a heart.  After watching it, I realized that sometimes I still get lonely.  Sometimes I want to be close to someone.  Sometimes I want to just have one person in all the world that I know I can count on, that I can go to if I need advice or a nice cuddle.  Someone to kiss.  Someone to connect with.  I want someone I can make a porno with.

I guess I’ll always struggle with loneliness.  I mean, it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be.  It used to be a literal pain that I felt in my chest, a burning in my torso.  Eventually I got over it and that burning turned into a lukewarm unease.  Something I can definitely deal with.  But I suppose watching movies like that really turns up the heat.  And I can feel it again.  It’s only natural.  At least for me.  I don’t think I’ll ever completely conquer any of my issues, like my horrible spending habits, my eating/weight, and my loneliness.  None of my vices will ever go away.  But they do ease over time.  And then they come back.  But they never last and I just need to always remember that.  It’ll pass.  It always does.  It always will.  I just have to sit and be patient and wait for that burning to dull again.