Phones & Flaws

Well, I’m doing pretty good with my resolutions so far.  At least with the money aspect.  I ended up returning my phone.  There were a variety of reasons.  It was just too expensive, first of all.  I got a data plan to go with it so I could get it for the sale price but then when Mom got the bill, she wasn’t too thrilled with how much it went up and I realized I’d be paying for the full retail price of the phone in two months worth of bills alone so it seemed better to just pay full retail for it and go back to the cheap plan we were on.  But then I realized it was still too much money and I could use that money for school or other things.  Plus, the battery wasn’t that amazing.  What if I were in a situation where I was all alone and only had my phone as a way of communication and my old phone could last me a few days on a charge but the new phone would last a day and a half at most and that’s if I don’t do anything with it.  And since it was a touch screen phone, I always had to lock it before I put it in my pocket so I wouldn’t accidentally call someone in Africa when I sat down or had to hold a button at the top for two seconds to unlock it.  The speakerphone wasn’t that great.  I never use speakerphone but what if I need to one day?  Plus, the Bluetooth on the phone caused it to freeze and restart itself and that made me worry that other things might start to malfunction.  I guess, overall, I felt a bit overwhelmed by the phone, kind of like I do with Blackberries.  I just think to myself, “Wow, there’s way more than I need on this thing.”  Especially considering how much I don’t even use my phone, it just seemed silly to pay so much for one.  I guess it’s just my insecurities bubbling up again.  I feel like crap about myself so I have to buy a fancy phone to make me feel better and look better to other people.  But, I’m really proud for returning it and being responsible and practical for a change.  I miss the phone but I’m sure after a few days, I’ll realize that it was the best choice.  I might dislike my old phone but it is pretty reliable and that’s what matters.  A phone needs to function as a phone first.  It can look nice and have all the bells and whistles but if you can’t simply make and receive calls, then it is an epic fail.  Go me.

Pretty much not looking forward to waking up in the morning and taking that eight-hour trip back to Savannah.  It’s amazing because there’s one part of me that doesn’t really care about the trip.  I’ve done it so many times before that it’s routine for me, not a big deal like it used to be.  And then there’s that little kid side of me that always emerges anytime a vacation comes to an end.   I’ve always hated school and took refuge in summer and Christmas vacation.  As much as I enjoyed them, my stomach would start hurting at the thought of returning to school.  To be ripped from the comfort and lethargy of home to be put back into the school system, full of annoying peers and bitter teachers and homework and stress was too much grief for a child like me to bear.  And I feel that way to this day.  I just hate leaving the comforts of home to go to a place I dislike so much.  Yes, things are definitely better at school than they were but that doesn’t mean I’m at all happy.  I guess I’m just a homebody and that’s how I am.  And I guess that makes departure all the more difficult for me.  I read on Facebook about all these kids ready to go back to school, ready to get back to work and see familiar friends and I just don’t get it.  I’m not that way at all but then again, I don’t like what I do at school and I don’t have anyone I particularly want to see that badly so I don’t have legitimate motivation to go back.  Everything that makes me happy is here and I hate to drive away from it all.

On the other side of that, after about two weeks I’ll be fine.  I always put up a fight to go back to school but once I’m there I get used to it and I take it on and don’t worry about it anymore.  I’m pretty sure I’ll be too busy to miss home.  I also need to remember that this is going to be my last big move to school.  I’ll get to come back for one week for spring break in March but I won’t have to take too much back with me.  I won’t have to gather up all of my clothes and personal things and try to squeeze it all in my car anymore.  Sure, I’ll have to pack everything up to go home but my parents will be there for my graduation so I can stuff some stuff in their vehicles.  I just need to keep reminding myself that I only have to two more trips to Savannah and two more trips home, the second trip being my last!  I think of how many of these long excursions I’ve taken and I’ve come a long way and dang it, I’ve done this so many times before so what’s another couple of trips?  It’s nothing.  I’ll get through this.  It just sucks because I hate change.  I get accustomed to doing something and when it changes it jacks me up for a few days until I can develop a new routine.

I’m still sad to leave, though.  I’m gonna miss my pets and my mom’s home cooking and the fact that I don’t have to shave or comb my hair or even change out of my pajamas.  I don’t have to be “on” like I do at school.  It’s really exhausting, I tell you.  Really exhausting.  But, when I graduate I’ll be back home and I won’t have to worry about going back to that dreadful place ever again.  Nope, that worry will be gone but then I’ll have a slew of other worries to take it’s place.  Worries like getting a real job, paying off student loans, figuring out where I’m going to live and eventually having to support myself.  I’m not ready to be an adult.  I’m scared.