Material Hurl

It always seems that someone will give the usual response when it’s your birthday.  If it’s not “happy birthday,” then it’s “so, do you feel any older?”  How can you just wake up one day and feel older?  Why should you feel older only on your birthday?  You get older every day.

Well, I’m starting to wonder if there’s some validity to that clichéd question.

I didn’t wake up on my birthday and necessarily feel older but I did feel different.

I could be mistaken but I think I heard from a few news reports and studies and such that people set age markers for a reason.  You can’t drive until your sixteen because mentally you just aren’t able to handle the complexity of driving.  You’re not considered an adult until you’re eighteen because mentally you haven’t matured enough yet.  And I have to wonder if that can apply to any age.  What if we all have our own fixed time when things just click into place or a different aspect of our maturity or personality suddenly kicks in?

I actually feel like a lot of things have changed for me over the past few weeks.  The funny thing is I’ve done nothing for things to change for me.  And maybe that’s exactly why things have changed.  I feel like I’m rotting and maybe I’m just finally starting to realize it.  Things are starting to be put into perspective for me and I don’t like this new point-of-view.

I guess all of these birthday presents have really made me realize how selfish and materialistic I am.  I kind of have a personality quirk where if I’m interested in something, I become near obsessed.  I’m that way with music and bands and television and movies.  I want to know all about the people involved and the behind the scenes and pretty much any info I can get my hands on.  My latest obsession has been getting this freaking touch screen phone (side note: I feel so stupid for even writing about this but this is how crazy I am.  I get myself worked up over small, dumb things and I know this but I just can’t help it.)  I really enjoy collecting the latest gadgets and gathering top of the line technology.  Some people like buying clothes or toys or CDs or candles and I like high tech stuff.  Including the latest game consoles and cellular devices.  I guess it makes me feel more important, somewhat relevant and…hip?  And so I’ve been reading the manual for the phone online and thinking how neat all the features are and I got it for my birthday and now I’m just kind of over it.  Same with the Xbox and the new Rock Band game.  They are all nice but I guess the anticipation of getting these things was more exciting than actually owning them.  It’s like, I had something to look forward to and that made me happy and now that I have nothing exciting to get in the future, I have nothing to look forward to and thus I am no longer happy.

And that makes me feel like a real jerk because here I am so blessed to have these things and it’s not that I don’t want them but they just aren’t doing it for me anymore.

I am a materialistic person.  I’ll never deny that.  I’ve realized maybe a year or so ago that I not only have a problem with food but with shopping as well.  I bury my feelings with Bergdorf and burgers.  If I’m not eating then I’m buying something.  And it’s all to chase away a sadness or anger that’s swishing around inside of me.  It’s like if I fill up my stomach then sadness can’t reside there.  If I fill up my room with crap, then there will be no more space for depression to stay.  And the worst part about shopping (besides spending money I don’t have) is the fact that I have trouble throwing things away so I’ll buy something and either use it for a while or not use it at all and then chunk it somewhere where it will stay and collect dust and then my mom will yell at me about it.  And I can’t help it.

I feel like my closet and my room and my mind are just so cluttered and I don’t want to be anywhere near those things yet I’m always in them.  I can’t get out of my head.  And I have to stay at home because there’s nowhere else to go.  I just keep buying and collecting crap and it continues to build until the walls start closing in around me and I have no more room to breathe because everything is taking up all the available space and it’s growing farther out and higher up and I feel like I’m being smothered in my own materialism and I feel like I’m choking on my own fat.  I’m boxed in.

And when I woke up on my birthday things changed.  I always knew I had a problem with spending and eating but for the first time I realize how out of control it is.  Since coming home from school I have literally sat at home, in my room, eating constantly throughout the day because there’s pretty much nothing else to do.  And that’s another reason why I shop.  I get bored so I buy something to occupy my time for a while until I get tired of it.  I haven’t been out (‘cause there’s nowhere to go) and I haven’t hung out (‘cause there’s no one to hang out with) and maybe the saddest part of all is that I like it that way.  When I come home from school, I just want to rest.  I don’t want to see people.  I just want to stay at home but it’s a double-edged sword ‘cause when I stay at home I’m bored and prone to stuffing my face.  So, I’m stuck in my body and in my room that’s closing in with video games and cell phones and paper, tons and tons of notebooks and sketch pads and trees of every variety that are scattered about my tiny room.

I’m worried about money for the first time in my life.  My family is not rich by any stretch of the imagination but I have been blessed to have always lived very comfortably.  I’ve never had to do without, and I’m not talking just the bare necessities like food and clothing and shelter.  I’m talking I’ve pretty much always gotten anything I’ve wanted…within reason.  Since I was always a good kid I never asked for anything outrageous and if I did, Mom was sure to squash my exorbitant request.  The good thing about my parents is that even though they aren’t hurting for money, they are cheapos.  If my parents couldn’t afford it, they either flat out didn’t buy it or would save up for it.  They usually saved up for me.  And then when I got a job and started making my own money, I once again didn’t have to worry about affording anything.  I was doing well, paying bills and still buying anything I wanted.  And now here I am, living off of student loans, not worrying about money because I have plenty of it.  I guess I’m not too worried about the fact that it’s really not my money, only borrowed and I’m going to eventually ha

ve to pay it all back.

With the crappy economy and my crappy chances of getting a good job, I’m terrified that not only will I not be able to afford air, I won’t be able to pay back the absolutely ridiculous student loans I’ve taken out.  And I’m starting to realize that everything I’ve been buying lately have been way too expensive.  I guess I’m starting to realize, with everyone’s sudden frugality, that I’ve been blowing through money at a rapid pace with no concern.  Well, I’m starting to get concerned.  I’m buying things I don’t need with money I don’t have and I never end up happy because the thrill of buying something new is starting to wear off.  Each new item diminishes the rush.  And maybe because I’m not feeling that high, I’m realizing how foolish it is to pursue these things that ultimately don’t mean anything to me.  But because I still have that materialistic streak in me, I’m worried that I won’t be able to afford anything when I get older.  I’m worried I won’t be able to have my own place and pay my own bills and basically support myself.  Especially with these loans.  Not only am I going to have to pay to live on my own but I’ll have to pay back all that borrowed money.  So I have double the burden with no job prospects.

I’m empty.  I’m full of food but I’m empty.  Buying things doesn’t make it go away and eating doesn’t make it go away and nothing does.  I hate myself because I have all of these things and I am so blessed and fortunate to have these things and yet I am unhappy.  It makes me feel selfish and ungrateful.  Anyone would be happy to have half of what I have, especially those who wouldn’t normally be able to have it themselves.  I just have to start doing better with money from now on.  Frankly, I can’t think of a thing I need OR want.  I’m fully satiated and hopefully that will last a long, long time.  And next time I’m feeling the urge to splurge, I should just slap myself in the face with a reality check, look around at all the stuff I already have and don’t need and realize that I don’t need that latest obsession either. 

Maybe I should read this regularly as a reminder.

Maybe I should stop being materialistic.

Maybe I should just appreciate what I have and let that be enough.

Maybe I should just accept who I am and let that be enough.

And then I wouldn’t need to buy all of those frivilous things.