let’s get drunk and kiss
"Excuse me for this
I just want a kiss
I just want to know what it feels like to touch…"
-Kelly Clarkson, Can I Have a Kiss
Tuesday was my birthday and I’ve been trying to write this entry ever since then. I’ve just been so tired from the long hours at work and general exhaustion and sadness. I also believe I have a touch of ADD because I seriously cannot concentrate anymore. I used to be able to sit down and pound out entry after entry with no problem but now it takes me hours, sometimes days, to write. For once, I don’t blame it on nature or nurture. I think I did this to myself. I’ve conditioned myself over the years to become an inefficient multi-tasker. I’m usually writing while watching television and listening to music, eating, clipping my toe nails, doing my taxes and tempering eggs all at the same time. I need to focusss.
My birthday was pretty blah. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t the worst day ever but it wasn’t good, either. I had to work, first of all. When I looked at my schedule and saw I’d be spending my birthday in that crap factory, I didn’t even put up a fight about it. I just shrugged my shoulders and put on my big boy briefs (and a bow tie) and walked in like I owned the place. When you get older, you have to do stuff like that. You grow up and your special day isn’t that special to anyone else outside you and your immediate family. Sometimes it isn’t even that special to them. But it’s no big deal. Just another day.
But it kind of sucks that the magic is gone.
After work, I drove home. That night drive was the best part of the day. Swooping through the orange and white lights. The darkness pulling at my eyelids. I just thought it would be nice to have someone I could share my special not-so-special day with so I could feel a little less alone, at least for the night. And if lips wouldn’t help me forget my crumbling world, maybe liquor would. We could go out and get drunk and make out. A swirl of inebriation and untangled inhibitions, taking a break from my brain for a while. Release and regretful decisions.
It’s something that comes so easily, something is taken for granted. What might seem trivial to so many seems tremendous to me. The intimacy. The charged current. The confidence to caress. But it’s all lost on me. It shouldn’t be so scary or foreign or vital yet I need to feel the closeness of body, the intensity of mind, the comfort of desire. Yes, I’m wanted. Yes, I’m needed. Yes, I can be touched and be made to feel worthy of someone else. Yes, I can give and receive pleasure. I know it. I don’t feel it.
I don’t think I ask for much. Just to be happy and lie on the cold ground and have someone hold my hand a while. Just seeking a friend for the end of the world.
Wanting that connection is a very human need. I miss it, too.
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Oh Brannon, I really do think you will find that friend. I don’t know when, but you have such a good heart. It’s something I recognized immediately, which is why I became one of your internet creepy creepers. I do hope you at least at a piece of cake on your birthday. It is somewhat depressing that birthdays are no longer “special” as we age, but I do hope you treated yourself.
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an inefficient multi-tasker… that is so me haha! happy belated. my birthday is on the 30th. between xmas and new years… worst. when you are a kid, no one is around for a party. i know that feeling. i also got the “this is your birthday AND xmas gift”. jipped, i tell ya! interestingly, it never really upset me that much. now that im “older” i just love having a day off of doing housework.. xx,
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also, you’re gonna find the person you’re waiting for. there’s something special in waiting- as opposed to impatiently settling in or diving into meaningless relationships. its something so different. but there’s a reason you are waiting.. cause you know. xx,
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you will find that special lady someday. until then, you can drink some of my alcohol
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Let’s go on a bender together, kay?
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ok
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ok
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Okay, you wrote perfectly what I was thinking about last night. I know it doesn’t seem like much to some, but I agree, it means the world to me and to you too. I want to hold someone’s hand, be able to lean in and kiss them softly on the lips, linger for a moment as we gaze into each other’s eyes and just.. smile. Smile and know that I am cared for and I am loved. Thank you forwriting this.
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Also! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Yes, it’s belated, but you being a live is special to me and I’m grateful that you are here and I’ve been able to read about your thoughts. May the Lord bless this year and make it the one you’ve been waiting for. *hugs*!
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Happy belated birthday, Bran Flakes! The only time I’m able to pound out well-written entries is when I’m depressed. I have no desire to, while things are going well. Which kinda makes sense- Who wants to stop and write, while they’re happy? And I don’t even yen for much physical intimacy, anymore. Kissing was never my thing. Think I may have become completely numb to it. Just gimme a…
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…friend that’s into meaningful and silly conversation, playing board games and video games; who doesn’t mind holding hands, and who wouldn’t mind fucking once or twice a month. Haha! Think there is such a person? Also RYN: If I find enough time, I’ll have the second part posted by Monday. Jane’s wedding is supposed to be taking place today, but I don’t wanna reveal any more than that.
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Happy belated Birthday. I definitely think you’ll find that special someone soon. You deserve companionship and happiness.
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You’re fascinating. I’m truly trying to understand what the disconnect is for you. You’re funny, as you can see here with all of the constant praise for your photos, you’re attractive. Gotta get out there, man. There are millions of women looking for that same kind of connection. Right?
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And happy birthday! Having facebook friends remember it is about as good as it gets these days…
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What Kristy said. You have a wonderful heart and I don’t think it will be long until someone worthy discovers that.
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checked in manually….I’m special. I don’t get updates I guess, because I don’t know what you are talking about. Wish we could get your drunk and a make-out partner. I’ve been waiting for that to happen for you for a while. Loved the card đŸ™‚ Winter sucks
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I know what you mean. Even though I m older, I still long to affection and more. Bighugs. Happy belated Birthday Hon.
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Happy belated birthday!
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Happy belated birthday! /HUG
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