i’m not even who i thought i was

"But I wish I could feel it all for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
Maybe you’d feel the same…"
-Ellie Goulding, Guns and Horses

"How dare you be you, how dare I be me?
The two of us lost in our own fantasy…"
-Liz Phair, Oh, Bangladesh

Reaching out isn’t working out. At least I can say I tried. But after seeing the results, I think it would have hurt less had I not.

I have a problem with subconsciously assigning people roles in my life.  It’s messed up because these people don’t know I’ve done it and they have no responsibility to fulfill those roles but when they don’t, I get upset and disappointed and have this internal struggle over whether I should be angry or not.

Of course I shouldn’t be angry because it’s not their fault but in my irrational mind, I just think how could that person not realize they were supposed to be my mentor/therapist/advice giver/comedian/dinner companion, etc.  It’s silly that I do this and I don’t even know why I do it and why I can’t get it under control.

Going back to The Perks of Being a Wallflower commentary I mentioned in my last post, Emma Watson talked about meeting fans and how scary it can be because they have this expectation of what she should be and she has to fulfill those expectations in the minute or so she interacts with them and it’s a lot of pressure and I think that logic applies to people in general, celebrity and non-celebrity alike.  It applies to relationships. 

We get involved with people, be they friends or lovers, and after a while, we pick out certain character traits about them we find beneficial to our lives and we subconsciously expect them to pull out those traits and treat us but people are multi-faceted and we can’t expect them to perform for us like that.  Comedians shouldn’t be expected to be funny all the time.  Writers shouldn’t be expected to turn their to-do list into poetry.  Those who give advice sometimes need advice. 

But we build up expectations and wait for them to be met and sometimes they are and sometimes they are not and we are disappointed and disillusioned and then we judge.

I’ve noticed this often happens a lot with people I admire from afar for a while and eventually try to contact.  I hear them or see them or read them and construct their personalities from the bits of information they’ve provided and go into the relationship with a specific idea of who they are.  That’s not the best thing to do because, as with any kind of self-representation in any form of media, you are only giving a certain aspect of who you are.  It’s hard to be well-rounded when you’re the one telling people who you are.  How you see yourself and how other people see you can be different.  At least, I know it is in my case. 

But a full personality comes out in intimate conversations and inside jokes, something you can’t convey through canvas and cliffhangers.  I’m not saying you can’t get a sense of someone through their art or online presence.  Sure you can.  But as I said, you’re only getting pieces.  You’re getting a persona but only personal relationships fill in those gaps.  The danger is in those personal relationships not steering in the direction you hope based on the information you have gathered.

I should stop doing this because it’s harmful to others and to myself.  I get disappointed and then I disengage and might miss out on a good relationship just because they didn’t come to the game with the right gear.  Plus, it’s painful.  I don’t want to be disappointed and I also don’t want to disappoint others.  I’m sorry if I’m not who you thought I was.  I’m not even who I thought I was.  

Let’s all just stop having expectations, okay?  No one is ever as good as we hope them to be.  And it’s not their fault.  And it’s not yours.  It’s just a symptom of a swelling heart.