I Love You, Man

Back off, Brody Jenner.  This entry is not directed toward you so stop looking at me with those sultry brown bromantical eyes of yours.

I was watching I Love You, Man the other day and it provided not only a decent comedy but reanimated a long-buried concern for me.  In case you haven’t seen the movie, Peter Klaven, played by my celebrity doppelganger, Paul Rudd, has just proposed to his girlfriend and realizes he has no best guy friend to be his best man.  It made me realize that if I were ever to get married, I don’t have a best friend to be my best man, either.  I find myself very much in the situation he was in at the beginning of the movie.  I understand in today’s world, the gender lines are often blurred and if I wanted, I could probably have a girl be my best (wo)man.  If Patrick Dempsey can be a bride’s maid in the movie Made of Honor, then why can’t I have my bestie gal pal hold my rings in her Chanel clutch and toast us at the reception?  Oh, wait, that’s right, because I don’t even have a girl best friend.

But the fact remains that out of all the people that I’m acquainted with, ninety-nine percent of them are girls. 
   
I’m sure a lot of this has to do with nature plus nurture.  I’m just naturally not a manly man.  I’m not into beer and sports.  I’m pretty sensitive.  I’d rather work on my character than my car.  I’d choose drawing over deer hunting any day.  I prefer music over muscle.  I like to express my feelings.  I write poetry for crying out loud.  And living in the south, there aren’t many guys that share my interests in art and culture.  I’ve grown up with football playing, giant truck driving, tobacco spitting, Wrangler wearing, gun polishing "good ol’ boys" so I guess it goes without saying that I was never able to connect with these country bumpkins.     

Additionally, I’ve been surrounded by women my whole life.  I always go to my sister first as being a huge influence on me.  She’s my only sibling and someone I’ve always looked up to.  While my dad has always been in the picture, we have nothing in common because he is very country and I am not.  Once again, it’s that conflict of interests.  Both my grandfathers died when I was really young and none of my uncles are good role models so I was kind of left without any kind of positive male influence.  Therefore, everything I’ve ever learned or have been taught has been funneled through a female filter.

I’ve never gotten along with many guys for the reasons listed above.  Most guys that I knew tried to act hard all the time.  Their idea of a good time was riding through pastures drunk while blaring Toby Keith out of their tinted windows at three in the morning.  There’s just no common denomenator of interest.  Girls were always much easier to get along with because I don’t feel threatened by them and I can be myself without being self-conscious.

It’s always bothered me that I’ve never had a best guy friend.  I’ve always felt like I’ve missed out on something.  Who was I going to talk to about girls and gas?  Who could I have asked about how to act on a date from the perspective of someone who had been in that position before?  Who would I have talked to about…just guy stuff?  I don’t know anything about male bonding.  I don’t have a best man.  I don’t have a best friend.

I suppose it wouldn’t be as hard to find a cool guy friend if I didn’t live here.  I just need to venture to a place where the guys are less…hickish?  Not that there’s anything wrong with being a hick or whatever but that just doesn’t mesh with my personality.  And it’s not that I’m too good to be friends with people like that, just incompatible.  I just…don’t know.  I suppose I just feel like not having a guy friend is just another social marker that I missed, along with attending parties in high school, dating, learning how to flirt and hug and kiss and just generally learning how to socialize with other people.  I’m pretty lacking.

I could look on the bright side and realize that the chances I’ll ever marry are pretty slim at this point so I won’t even have to worry about finding myself in wacky situations with outrageous characters, a la the movie, in order to find the right guy to stand with me as I unite with the right girl.  If all else fails, I can just sign up to be on a celebretard’s homo-erotic reality show.  Oh, wait, no I won’t.  I’m not that desperate for male companionship.