Hermitage

A few more things:

I’ve kind of been flirting with the idea of working for a newspaper.  I think it would be fun.  I think I’ve already mentioned this but my dream job would be to work as a columnist for a newspaper, ala Sex and the City, except I wouldn’t talk so much about sex but more about how I feel about the world around me.  And naturally I would get paid buckets of money and I could work from home, in my pajamas.  And everyone would praise my work and tell me I’ve inspired them to see the world differently and I’d win awards and appreciation.

But from all the news I’ve been hearing, newspapers are one the way out.  I guess the economy coupled with more online newspapers is making paper news obsolete.  Which is kind of sad.  As much as technology is cool and all, there’s a certain charm in living life old school.  That includes coming home from a hard day’s work, sitting in your favorite chair, kicking off your shoes, and picking up the paper.  With that said, I’ve never been much of a paper reader, simply because my local paper is pretty much crap.  There’s only one main staff writer and so the paper is basically her view on all the news events, which is really only a summary of all the local sports teams and a collection of burgeoning deer hunters: little boys clad in camouflage, their snapshot next to a dead deer with its tongue sticking out of its mouth.  I guess that’s no excuse, as I could easily subscribe to something else.  Whatever.  I think you get my point.

I watched a heartbreaking documentary on MSNBC the other night called Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son about his Father.  It’s basically about this murdered man and the battle his parents go through to jail his killer and gain custody of his son, a son that he fathered with his killer.  Yes, the story is all kinds of jacked up and the twist near the end punched me in the face.  If I wasn’t such an ice monster, I might have even cried.  It was definitely powerful and I encourage everyone to watch it if possible.  The next airing is on December 14th.  It was basically amazing.

I love documentaries.  If anyone has any suggestions, throw them my way.

Got another interesting subscriber on Youtube tonight.  Firstly, this guy sent me quite a few comments on my videos and I didn’t know whether they were hate comments or if the guy was just stupid.  For example, he said I had man boobs…but then said they were getting smaller.  He then suggested that I strip and said that would turn him on…but countered that by saying that I would probably scare away 90 percent of the viewers.  Plus, his grammar and spelling was abysmal.  Naturally, this guy’s profile was pretty blank.  No videos, no pictures, nothing.  And then he subscribed to my channel.  So, I don’t know if he was trying to be mean or if…like I said, he was just dumb. 

I’m really thinking about not making any more videos and even if I do, I’m thinking about overhauling my channel and completely changing the content.  If I keep doing videos, I’ll most likely delete all of my subscribers and delete all of my weight loss videos.  If I do add any more, it’ll probably be more along the lines of how I write.  I’ll just sit in front of the camera and vent.  Hopefully that wont’ attract any unwanted attention. 

I really feel like I have it within me to help others so I don’t really want to stop writing or stop making videos (basically I don’t want to stop putting myself out there) but at the same time, it seems I’m not really reaching that many people.  The only ones who have subscribed to me on Youtube have been fat fetishists and people I already know, not that I don’t appreciate you guys but I think you get what I mean.  I was hoping to help people but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.  I guess I’ll just have to think about it.  Plus, it’s getting harder and harder to think of clever things to do.  I honestly believe you guys overestimate my talent.  I have very little of it and I’m using it all up bit by bit.  Soon I’ll have nothing.

I’m feeling more and more insecure every day.  I find myself avoiding friends and social situations because of how I look and feel about myself.  It’s sad when I don’t want to leave my house because my clothes don’t fit anymore and I feel like my face has ballooned over the past few months.  I lose weight and then I gain it and then I’ll lose it again and every time, every time, I’ll gain it right back.

I just want this cycle to end.

I’m tired of feeling good about myself, only to know that it won’t last.  I just don’t know how to make it last. 

 Last chance to donate.  I won’t be posting this anymore.