Guttural in the Garbage

I don’t even know where to start.  I’ve got so much to say and usually I would wait until I was a bit more focused but my senior project is kicking my butt hole and taking up all of my time and these thoughts in my head are filing up so fast with no place to go that my skull is expanding to make room and consequently I walk around with a migraine all day.  Not a physical one but a mental one, a reminder to write, my noggin telling me to let some of this stuff out, whether I’m actually read to or not.

And the only thing I can think to do is work backwards.

During those two days it was pretty in Savannah (it’s turned cold and crappy again.  WTF is up with this weather?), I went walking through the park and took my trusty moleskin book with me.  Do you know how hard it is to find vegan notebooks?  Well, maybe not hard for you but I’ve looked around everywhere and ever cover is wrapped in leather or moleskin.  Where’s the imitation leather?  Where’s the plastic covers?  Why do I have to be stuck with a book that makes me feel guilty for using it?  Gosh.  Anyway, so I was there writing in my notebook that some poor animal was slaughtered and skinned for and I realized, I wasn’t feeling too great either.  I came close to a revelation about myself and relationships, or rather, my lack of relationships, or rather, my lack of being able to keep any of my relationships.

I wrote about how I don’t really like anyone and I don’t think anyone really likes me either.  The friendships I’ve had, some of the longest and some of the strongest, are now dead and therefore I don’t believe in the longevity of friendship.  This is nothing new.  I’ve written about this before in my Flame of Friendship entries and I was basically elaborating on them.  You know how I like to reference previous writings.  So, long story short, I don’t believe in long-term relationships with anyone.  I’ll get back to that in a future entry.

Well, as if the cosmos decided to prove my point, my roommates bailed on me again. 

It was Valentine’s Day.  Of course I didn’t have a date because I am an ice cold dead inside turd smear but I was okay with that!!  The roommates and I planned on going out to eat and then going to a coffee shop for dessert and a chat.  I looked forward to it all week because that’s all I have in my life.  I’m not an exciting person and exciting things don’t happen to me.  I just wanted to have a simple night of good eats and good company with my roommates.  Beau texts me the day we were all supposed to hang out and says “Steve and I decided we should go out next week since I’m so busy.”  Such crap.  He wasn’t busy, he just wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with his girlfriend, Chana. 

Here’s a quick history for you.  Beau is a notorious liar.  He says he doesn’t like Chana and pretty much talks smack about her behind her back.  But when she’s around, which is ALL the time, he’s all cuddly and sickly sweet to her and his two-facedness really irks me.  And I’ve called him out on it several times.  They always bicker and he always says he’s done with her and then I’ll chime in, “No you’re not!” and he’ll say, “I promise I am this time” and I”ll say “No you’re not!” and the next day they’ll be making out on our couch.  It feels so good to be right.  And it feels so gross to watch them together.

Anyway, so they “broke up” (even though he says they weren’t even going out which they totally were) a few days before Valentine’s Day and I called him out on it again saying they’d be together the next day and he called me an asshole.  I guess he thought I was being a jerk but really I was just telling him what was up and that I could see right past his lying nonsense.  Naturally, she WAS over the next day and they talked for hours.

Well, VD comes around and guess what!  He bails on me to hang out with her although he claimed he was gonna be busy working on his homework.  Well, after a long day of working at the animation building and NOT seeing him there, I went back to the dorm to find, GUESS WHAT, Beau and Chana hanging out and grilling steaks.  Chana brought a strawberry cake.  Yeah, Beau was really working hard on his freaking homework.  He didn’t have time to go out but he sure did have enough time to hang out with Chana who he swears he doesn’t even like and they can grill steaks and bake cakes together.  I wanted to shove that cake right in both of their faces.

So, I went back to the animation building after I ate to work on more stuff.  I came back around 2 in the morning to find, GUESS WHAT, Beau and Chana still in the same spot, hanging out.  Yeah, he was working so very hard on his homework.

It’s this kind of garbage that really pisses me off.  How can he just sit there and lie to my face and act like he’s not.  He must really think I’m stupid.  I don’t like Chana.  Everyone knows that.  But I don’t care if HE likes her.  If he wants to ruin his life with a psycho Samara from the Ring look-a-like, then I’m not gonna stop him but I just wish he wouldn’t LIE about it.  I wish he wouldn’t cancel plans at the last minute (which brings up memories of all the times Chasity has ditched me which makes me angrier).  I also love how Steve never opens his mouth in front of Beau but when Beau’s not around, he completely agrees with everything I say.  I’d really appreciate it if he’d back me up one of these days instead of just letting me sit there and look like the bad guy to Beau when he feels the same way I do.  And that’s what bothers me about Steve.  Overall, he’s a decent guy but he has no opinion of his own.  He just goes along with what everyone else says and if he does have his own opinion, he doesn’t share it with anyone, which basically renders him pointless. 

And I also love how Beau texted me that he and Steve decided to move our plans.  No one bothered to consult me or ask me if it was okay.  And it just reaffirms how I feel about not belonging.  I feel left out again.  I’ve always been slightly jealous of Beau and Steve’s friendship.  It’s obvious they are much closer to each other than either one of them are to me and I always feel like I’m not exactly in their circle of friendship.  I kind of hang out on the outskirts.

And Beau and Steve are acting like nothing is wrong which makes me even more angry and almost makes me feel a bit crazy because it’s obvious that Beau lied.  We all saw that he wasn’t working on his stuff.  And yet he never came up and was like, “You know, Brannon, I owe you an apology.  It’s obvious that I lied about being busy so that I

could hang out with Chana.  And you are right, I do like her, even when I say I don’t.”  But he’ll never say that.  He’ll just go on like everything is peachy and I’ll be left to sit here and stew in my room.  And I want to say something, to scream something to him, to let him know he hurt me but I won’t because it will make me feel like I’ll be way out of line or that my anger will be coming out of nowhere.  I’ll just keep my distance and eventually Beau will just think I’m going through a mood swing or something and he won’t think anything of it and eventually I’ll get so sick with worrying over it that I’ll drop it and be friendly with him because I live with him and we have two classes together and I can’t be around someone I can’t stand.  I did that enough with Keith and it made me contemplate some horrendous things and I don’t want to go back there.

And this is just another reason why I don’t have long lasting friendships.  This kind of stuff.  People do things to piss me off and then I get distant and no one ever knows what the problem is because it’s usually something that’s no so outlandish as to require a confrontation but it’s just enough to hurt me but I never say anything because I feel like there’s not enough evidence of wrongdoing to actually tell these people how I feel.  If I go up to them with my case, they’ll think I’m crazy for getting so bent out of shape for something so small.  But it’s never small with me.  Yes, maybe I’m sensitive and maybe I’m most definitely fragile but I can’t help that.  This is just how I am and little things to some people are big things to me, like feelings.  You don’t just mess with people’s feelings and act like nothing is wrong. 

I swear if I didn’t live with him and have to deal with him on a daily basis, I would have cut him out of my life a long time ago.  I’m getting good at that, you know, cutting people out.  I’m just so sick of people and their uncanny ability to constantly let me down.  There was a time when I thought Beau might have been a good friend.  I always hoped when I came to school that I would find someone similar to myself, with the same interest in art and zombies and off color humor.  I was hoping Keith would be that person and then he let me down.  I was hoping Chasity would be that person but she never showed up.  And then I thought Beau would be that person and he failed as well.  It’s the kind of thing that makes me want to give up on friendship, give up on people in general.  No one is any good to each other anymore.  Everyone is just looking out for themselves.  They use others to get to where they want to go or get what they need to have and then they throw them away like trash.  I know this because I am that trash.  I am the fragile heart, lying in the garbage, pumping out my final beats of benevolence.  It’s just not worth it anymore.