duck, duck, noose

I ended things with single black male (SBM).  Or so I thought.  He kept texting me so I had to end things again.  Or so I thought.  He texted me again last night, and during The Walking Dead, too.  Annoying.  Before then, I hadn’t heard from him for several days.  I thought we were really done.  

But he sent me seven text messages at once, explaining that he thought we both were making a bigger deal out of things than they were and we were both being silly.  He also said we made a good team and could help each other out and shutting each other out wasn’t the way to do it.  He said he sensed my resistance and thought it was because he was gay or that he was attracted to me.  He assured me all he wanted out of me was a friendship.  He wanted us to work things out like friends.

Where did all of that come from?  We made a good team?  We went for sushi one time and now we are Abbott and Costello?  More like Abbott and Cost-hell NO (Sorry, I had to).  After the initial two rejections, I declined his request to be added to one of my social networks and a few ignored text messages from him.  And he still pursued me.

I realized it was time to sack up so I texted him back and said I appreciated his wanting to help me but I neither required or desired it.  I told him the more I spoke to him during sushi, the more I realized our personalities did not mesh and it was no one’s fault but sometimes people meet and there’s an initial interest (in friendship) but sometimes it doesn’t pan out and that was the case with us.

After a few minutes, he responded by saying he had had enough and it sounded like a rejection from a Nicolas Sparks’ book.  He said he wasn’t the only one treating it as something more than it was.  He said he thought he was just hanging with one of his boys but if our sushi dinner was a date and I wanted something more serious, I should have just came out and told him.

That pissed me off.  I was trying to be polite and word my rejection in such a way as to let him down gently…again.  I didn’t want to have to be blunt and say, "No, I don’t like you and I don’t want to be your friend and I never want to speak to you again."  But he twisted those words and made it seem like I thought we were pursuing a romantic relationship.

But friendships and courtships are still relationships and the same rules and principles apply.  You like someone.  You don’t like someone.  You want to be someone’s friend or lover and sometimes you have to "break up" with friends the way you do with lovers.  Not that I even considered him a friend but you get what I’m saying.  And he should have known that as smart and sophisticated in human relations as he claimed to be.  And the fact that he put words in my mouth and backed me into a corner and forced me to have to continually turn down his advances pissed me off. 

And I told him that.  I said, "To be clear, I have no interest in you as a romantic partner, friend, or acquaintance."

After a while, he thanked me for finally telling him and then pulled a guilt trip and said no one had ever straight up rejected him as a friend and it was nice to know his attraction to rejection was bleeding over from his love life to his social life.

I wanted to respond back that he forced me to straight up reject him.  As perceptive as he claimed to be, he should have caught on to the hints.  I had to be blunt about it, even if it sounded harsh.  He forced me to.  But I didn’t say those things, didn’t defend myself because it seemed pointless and plus, I didn’t want to get in with him any deeper than I already had.

He said goodbye and I said goodbye and then a few minutes later, he sent one last text message:  "For the record, I never bought it."

I responded: "Never bought what?"

He didn’t reply.

I’m sure he meant he never bought that I was straight but I didn’t press him.  He knew what he was doing.  It was one last jab at me, one last attempt to get the upperhand, to prove how perceptive he was.  And it made me angry, not because he implied I was gay because I don’t care what he thinks, but that he would try to be so manipulative and twist my words and end things on a sour note.  He could have been mature about it.  I tried to part on a neutral tone but he couldn’t accept no for an answer so I had to get firm.

I hope that’s the last of him but I thought I got rid of him before and he kept texting back.  So we shall see…

I also ended things with the writer girl.  I followed her Tumblr for over a year and thought we had a lot in common and would hit it off but after I actually contacted her, I realized I was wrong.  It took her days, sometimes a full week, to respond to my messages.  At first, she gave me excuses like she was crazy busy with work or had personal issues going on, which I accepted.  She didn’t know me.  I wasn’t a priority.  That’s fine.  But then she kept delaying her responses and stopped asking questions after answering mine, effectively stopping the flow of the conversation, what little flow there was due to the length of time between our exchanges.

Eventually, I sent her a message saying I would let her move on to take care of her business and I thanked her for talking with me.  She never replied.  So that was that.  It went smoothly enough.  But I guess it’s easy to go smoothly when the other person doesn’t say anything at all.  I’m a little bitter but I’m trying not to be.  Like I said, she didn’t know me too well and had no obligations to speak to me.  She didn’t do anything wrong.  I guess I just wish she would have at least given me some final goodbye or made her feelings clear.

The problem with following someone before you get to know them is you’ve already taken the time to get to know them in your head, forming a one-sided sense of who they are through their words.  And you see these commonalities and connections and when you finally talk to that person, you expect the two of you to click and hit it off right away.  Sometimes it actually happens.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  And in the times it doesn’t, you feel disappointed.  But I just try to remember it’s not my fault and it’s not the other person’s fault.  Sometimes two people just don’t connect.  In the case with SBM and me, I had no interest in being his friend.  And in the case of me and the writer girl, she had no interest in being my friend.  I’ve been on both sides of the situation and both are difficult but at least I can understand when someone does not want to talk to me and I can leave it alone and deal with my issues without pulling the other person in.

The whole situation with SBM and the writer girl messed me up.  I had one person way too into me and someone else not into me at all.  Both ended in such a way that made me feel empty.  Those polar opposite people sum up my relationships with everyone throughout my life.  It’s almost always been one-sided.  Any mutual interests have been superficial friendships or genuine good relationships I eventually wrecked due to my insecurity and selfishness.  But despite these many mishaps, I feel like I’ve tried to continue to branch out, connect, and make new relationships.  I have not been very successful.

The only problem is when I meet someone new, especially someone I admire or respect as an artist, I over think and over analyze my words and actions.  I want to be cool and smart and easy to talk to.  I want to be funny.  I want to be liked.  And sometimes I think the stress of trying not to be a dork becomes more trouble than the relationship is worth.  I just don’t know how to interact with people in a natural, effortless manner.  I feel like every move and word is calculated and it’s exhausting.

You add in the last two unfortunate encounters I had with SBM and writer girl and it makes me want to withdraw.  I don’t feel cut out to be a sociable creature.  Nice effort, Bran, but no success.  It messes me up because I don’t want to be isolated.  I want to be able to reach out and have someone there.  But can I handle it?  Am I deserving of it?  Did I mishandle things with SBM and the writer girl?  Have I been mishandling all my relationships and that’s why I don’t feel fulfilled by any of them?  Or am I just over thinking again?  

There is an ebb and flow to every relationship.  I’m not going to be great all the time but I’m just so terrified of losing people that I feel like one awkward moment or social slip would mean the demise of the relationship.  And I feel like I can’t add any new people to my life right now.  As lonely as I might feel, the frustration of dealing with forming a fellowship doesn’t feel worth the hassle anymore.  Maybe I’m alone for a reason.  Maybe I’m mean to be a loner.  I can talk with people and share and give and take but at the end of the day, all I have is myself, which would be fine if I liked myself, but you’ve got to like yourself before anyone can like you.  Or some horse crap like that.  Ugh.

I walk around this circle of people and inspect and analyze and hone in on those I feel have potential and when I choose, the race is on and they chase me down and knock me over the head with my own insecurities.  But they aren’t really doing anything.  I think I’m in control, that I’m choosing carefully, that I don’t just let anyone in.  I think I’m being particular in picking these people out but I’m really just picking myself apart.