Chip in my Tooth & on my Shoulder

Had my second appointment with the dentist last week.  I got one tooth filled and the chip on my front tooth fixed.  The process actually wasn’t that bad.  I was pretty nervous about getting all the shots, worried about the pain, but Mom said they’d give me some gas to relax me.  That made me a little less nervous.  That is, until I was being gassed and felt no effects, which convinced me I’d feel every bit of pain as the needle went through my gums.  I was lying in the chair, the Nitrous Oxide apparatus clamped down over my nose, breathing in the anesthesia and not feeling as goofy as Mom had described to me.  Crap, it must not be working.  I was starting to feel a little tingly in my extremities but I assumed that was because my legs were propped up. This kind of accelerated my anxiety but when the doctor came in and told me the tingles meant it was working, it relieved me a little bit.  Although, I did feel a little cheated because Mom made it out to be some great gas that would make me feel high as a kite.  Not so much.  I wasn’t even really relaxed…just tingly.

So, the dentist went to work on my teeth and it really wasn’t as bad as I was expected.  I did feel the shot in the area of my front tooth a lot more than the area of my back teeth but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.  Even the dizzying drill sound didn’t bother me that much.  In fact, it sounded a lot like some of the music I listen to.  It didn’t take that long, either.  He gave me the mirror and I could barely hold it up.  Maybe I was a little out of it more than I realized.  My front tooth definitely looked a lot better…at first.  When I got home I inspected my teeth and it looked like the dentist had actually filed down my tooth at an angle.  It didn’t look straight across.  Of course, I am a complete perfectionist and I’m sure nobody else would notice that my teeth now are on a slant but I notice and I wasn’t too happy about it.  Then I thought about it and realize that none of my teeth really go straight across so maybe the dentist was shaping my tooth relative to the way the other teeth are positioned.  I tried to talk myself into getting over it.  I mean, they don’t look bad at all and in fact, they look much better but like I said, I don’t accept less than perfection.  I gotta work on getting over that.

And to make matters worse, two days after the dentist visit, I chipped the tooth right next to the one that got fixed!  I don’t even know how it happened.  I was just sitting in my room, minding my own business, and feeling my newly fixed tooth with my tongue.  Then I gently rubbed my top and bottom teeth together, not grinding them, just running them along each other when I heard/felt the gritty little chip.  I immediately thought, “Oh crap, the composite didn’t take and I’ve messed it up!”  I looked in the mirror and it was the tooth right next to it.  Really upsetting.  Just when I get one tooth fixed, another one goes and gets messed up.  It was pretty depressing ‘cause it just feels like nothing can ever go right for me.  I fix one thing about myself and something else screws up.  Just like with my front tooth, I don’t think the chip is super noticeable.  It’s a very tiny chip but tiny chips can lead to big ones if not taken care of.  I have another appointment to get another tooth filled next month so I’ll just ask him to fill in the chip in my other tooth as well.  Bring on the gas. 

And speaking of teeth, I felt really good about going to the dentist.  I felt like I was actually taking care of myself and the fact that my teeth are in relatively good shape just boosted my confidence a lot.  I told myself after I had the proper dental work done on my teeth for health and hygienic purposes, I would then move on to aesthetics and get braces.  Of course, it wouldn’t be right away.  I’d have to save up for them and that will probably take a long time but just the fact that I knew I was going to have them one day made me feel really good.  But now, I just don’t know anymore.  I’ve been persistently looking for jobs and nothing is coming up.   The only jobs that are available are hard labor jobs or jobs that pay minimum wage.  I’m not sure if I can survive on minimum wage.  I want to move out as soon as possible because my parents are driving me crazy and I need a job that pays well so I can save up and get out of here sooner rather than later.  Plus, I’ll have rent and bills to pay, not to mention the ever-looming student loans!  And just the fact that I have huge student loan debts to pay scares the crap out of me.  If I had no debt, I probably wouldn’t be as freaked as I am but just knowing I’m going to have so much to pay for really scares me and makes me aim for the higher paying jobs. 

But the higher paying jobs require an education that I do not have.  I have two degrees and they are basically useless, at least around here.  I mean, a degree in animation doesn’t stretch very far.  A journalism or business degree, on the other hand, can cover a variety of jobs.  Right now I’m trying to find clerical work because that is the only other experience I have and the jobs I’ve found either pay very little or require the kind of experience I don’t possess.  I’ve looked for art related jobs but the only ones around are looking for tattoo artists or web designers.  Even in the writing field, the only positions available are technical writers and copywriters.  I just feel like I have very limited options.  And I feel like if I take a low paying job, I’m going to become stuck.  That is a big fear of mine right now, becoming stuck.  And I’m starting to see how people become that way, especially those with families.  When you have children to feed and need to keep a roof over your head, you can’t be very choosy.  You have to take whatever job you can get and you make so little money and that has to stretch across bills and food and at the end of the month, there’s little to nothing left.  It’s nearly impossible to save for a better house, nearly impossible to splurge on fun things.  And I don’t want to be that way.  I’m not saying I want to be super rich but I do want to be comfortable.  I don’t have a problem with saving up for something I want.  I can be patient.  But I want to be able to afford whatever I want, even if it takes a while to get it.  I don’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to constantly be behind, constantly scraping by.  It just seems like such a sad way to live.  You work so hard and have nothing to show for it.  And I think if I become stuck, those braces will be out of the question.  All my money will go toward bills.  Right now, I’m not thinking about luxuries.  I’m thinking about necessities. I’m not worried about not being able to buy a PS3.  I’m worried about not being able to pay my bills.

It all comes back to me being stuck.  I feel like I did when I was in high school and that’s not the way a twenty-three-year-old should feel.  I’m still very much a child and I need to become an adult.  I want to have my own place, my own responsibilities and my own commitments and I want to feel like it’s a blessing and not a curse.  I want to be independent and free from my mother’s criticizing eye.  I want to be my own man, not the man she wants me to be.  I don’t want to be another family failure.  I want to do something good for myself, become successful and grow up.  I don’t want to have to worry about money because I have enough to worry about already.  And I think most of all, I just want to find my place.  I don’t want to be stuck.  I don’t’ want to be lost.  I don’t want to not know who I am.  I don’t think I can ever do that if I stay at home.  And as long as I can’t find a good job, that’s the way it will always stay.  And to be OK, I just need new teeth and a new place to live and hopefully that’ll spark a new outlook on life.

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