Bummer

I gotta say, this whole job situation has really taken priority over my usual neurosis.  I went from being in total slacker status to super turbo job mode in a matter of days.  Since I live in Satan’s Crack, AL, I can’t trust the weekly paper to have any worthy job opportunities so I turned to online job listings to further my career prospects.  I checked out every one I could find, including the shifty craigslist.  I looked up various jobs on the state’s official job listing site but there weren’t many options there.  Craigslist, on the other hand, had an abundance of jobs.  A very excited Bran this made.  So, I went into resume mode and put myself out there like a cheap crack whore.  I sent off rapid fire resumes and e-mails at every ad I could find.  And sure enough, after a a bit, the responses came in.

Unfortunately, through a series of hoops and hurdles, I realized most of them were scams.  I even received two responses from two different companies that were worded exactly the same, except for the name.  And many of them wanted me to visit credit report sites, sites that were deemed scam sites upon investigation.  I just got a real shady feeling from most of the responses.  Many of them didn’t seem personal, as if they were just sending these generic messages to any idiot that applies.  I’ve been looking around several cities and many of the job descriptions are word for word the same, except with different e-mails or names.  Just shadiness all around.

I suppose I should have known these jobs were too good to be true.  They offered very good money for very little education.  Yet, I naively got my hopes up and thought maybe it would work out.  It’s just so disconcerting because I went from having all of these prospects to having nothing, starting over, beginning at zero.  All those days of applying and wishing… all for nothing.  And I still check the official places and they have nothing I’d want to do, at least nothing that pays well enough to allow me to move out.

I’m suffocating in my stuck-ness.  

It doesn’t help that my mom is constantly checking in, asking if anything has come up, giving me job suggestions and general being a nuisance.  Every morning, the first thing she asks is if I received any e-mails from potential employers the night before.  Let me tell you, it’s not so great to wake up and hear, "Anything yet?", instantly reminding me that no, there is nothing yet and yes, I am still trapped in this house.  She’s also been doing her own online research, which is pretty ridiculous because she can’t spot a legitimate job ad.  But then again, look who’s talking, the gullible craigslist hopeful.  I guess it runs in the family.  Sees always seeing those sidebar advertisements that claim you can make big money by working at home.  It’s not that my mom isn’t smart but she isn’t computer smart at all.  And she’s always pushing me to take this customer service call center job in the next town, despite my repeated rejections.  Ever since it’s doors opened several years ago, I’ve known several people to work there and they’ve all hated it.  I don’t wanna be one of those people.  I understand that sometimes we all are forced to do things we don’t want to but I’d rather hold off going there until all other options are exhausted.

And that’s closer than I’d like to admit.

I’ve been constantly checking different job listing websites, hoping the perfect job will be posted.  So far, nothing.  I’m just so scared I’m going to end up like every other person in this terrible town.  I don’t want to live here forever.  I don’t want to just be scraping by.  The plan was to get a job that paid well enough so I could save up enough to move out on my own, become independent and buy all the animating software and materials I’d need to further my skills so that one day I could become an actual animator for a company.  But right now it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.  

I’m stressed out about trying to find a job and the way Mom’s breathing down my neck is not helping things.  So, I eat to cope with the stress.  I check websites and then check the cabinet.  Frustration always leads to the fridge.  I’m overeating during my meals and snacking way too much in between.  Night time is the worst.  I just can’t help myself, though.  It’s my automatic defense mechanism.  I know I should manage my stress in other ways but it’s hard.  And when I am stressed out, I’m not in the mood to do anything hard, anything that’s going to stress me out more than I already am.  And so I stuff my face.

My immediate future fear is that I won’t be able to pay my bills, especially my student loans.  And my long term future fear is that I won’t be able to pursue my animation.  The thing about it is, I don’t know if I have a future in animation but I at least want to pursue it.  I feel my school experience was just a taste of what I can accomplish and create if ever given the opportunity to work on my own accord.  But, like I said, that takes money, money that’s slowly dwindling and money that I can’t make enough of.

I know I should give it all over to God but that’s easier said than done when I fear my future is filled with dumpster diving for dinner and sleeping in a cardboard box bedroom.  Ugh, and even though I don’t believe in marriage, I feel like I’m gonna have to get married just so I can double my income.  Maybe only then can I drag myself out from under that bridge called home.  I kid.  Maybe.  It’s just all about security, control.  I don’t have any and it’s giving me anxiety.  I guess now is a good time to try that yoga thing I’ve been contemplating for the last five friggin’ years.  Oh wait, I can’t.  I’m too stressed. 

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