Afflictions

For the past few weeks, I’ve had an intense pain in my left shoulder area.  The pain starts around my collarbone and wraps around to my shoulder blade and often splits and spreads to my neck and back area.  I don’t know why, I don’t know how.  I don’t remember pulling a muscle or anything so this pain is confusing and unexplainable and it only exacerbates my frustrations.  I’ve complained to a few of my coworkers and they’ve said it could be a pinched nerve.  That’s a possibility.  I’ve been eating medication like candy and have been using those Thermacare heat wraps nightly and they’ve only provided slight, temporary relief.  I suffer daily.  As soon as I get to work, the pain sets in and only gets worse throughout my shift.  It gets so bad sometimes I can’t lift my left arm to put on my jacket at the end of the night or wash my hair in the shower.  I know I should probably go to the doctor if it doesn’t get better but I really don’t like going to the doctor.  I had enough of that after my surgery this past summer.  I am just hoping it might go away on its own.  Until then, bring on the Bengay.

And to make matters worse, the lump is back.  You know the game Left 4 Dead and it’s sequel?  You know how a disease broke out and spread and caused everyone to turn into rabid zombie-like maniacs?  Well, I know where the disease originated.  In a bingo pavilion, much like where I work.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people sneeze right into their hands and then continue to put their hands on the machines.  They don’t get up and wash their hands or even use any Purell.  And I’m the one that has to wipe down those machines.  My cleaning cloth is probably infested with all kinds of germs and bacteria and I’m just standing there, breathing it all in every day.  Well, anyway, my point was we had a sickness that spread throughout work about a week or two ago.  Day after day, someone else on our team caught it and called in sick.  I was not spared, although I didn’t get the worst of it.  As soon as I felt my throat start to hurt, I started taking cold medication.  I felt crummy for about a week but never so much that I had to miss work or was tied to my bed for a day or two.  I guess it didn’t matter.  Sick is sick no matter the severity.  And what has happened every time I’ve gotten sick for the past two years or so?  The lump returns to rear its ugly head.  

To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement.  My doctor was hopeful the surgery would eliminate the lump but here I am, less than four months later, and it’s already back.  It just makes it seem like that surgery was a complete waste of time and money.  As I’ve said, I don’t feel like I can breathe any better and now the lump is back in my throat and so the surgery didn’t help that, either.  I guess the only other option is more surgery, specifically removal of the cyst.  Yet, I’m not too thrilled about that because I’m pretty sure something will go wrong.  Doesn’t something always go wrong with me?  After seeing that episode of Mystery Diagnosis, the thought of cyst removal has frightened me.  A lady had a lump removed from the left side of her neck and in the process, the doctor severed some sort of nerve which paralyzed the left side of her face.  Not only did she have to relearn how to talk, she now talks with a slur and the left side of her face hangs down.  I don’t want to end up looking and sounding like Mary Jo Buttafuoco.  I can live with this lump or have a lazy face.  Either way, I’m screwed.  

I’ve been walking around with my head down, trying to conceal the lump with my chin.  It’s so embarrassing and I am constantly wondering who noticed it, who’s wondering about it, who’s asking about it behind my back.  "Did you see that lump in his throat?  What’s wrong with him?"  I’m so tired of dealing with this and I’m tired of looking like hell despite my best efforts.  Maybe I should just give it up and accept that I will always be deformed in one way or another.  It’s just so intensely irritating becuase I worry about everything else enough as it is and this lump is something so unnecessary and something I shouldn’t have to deal with, especially since I tried to do something about it, tried to get it fixed.  All my efforts were for naught.  As they always are.