OOC #95: Time to End
I think it’s time to close this silly thing down.
And it’s not just because I haven’t heard from Sarah in a very long time- I hope she’s doing great with Jake and her two sons!- or because I talk to Wuffie elsewhere. Not even because I haven’t written about Brandenburg here in a while.
It’s mainly because it’s something that holds memories I don’t really care about anymore.
I reread my whole OD once in a while, when the mood strikes me, and I remember a lot about those years. I remember how I felt, what I was thinking and what made me happy. I remember what made me miserable, and while I don’t really feel anything while reading them anymore- other than a vague sense of nostalgia for some of the really good moments- I’m done having them around to look at.
I have the memories I want to keep and those I don’t like lingering over.
I’ve bled here. I’ve cried here. I’ve been exultantly happy here. This is where I first posted about Brandenburg. This is where I wrote some of the moments that became my book- which I finally found a working title for; go me! This is where I wrote about the breakup, and this is where I wrote about finding out I wasn’t who I’d made myself believe I was. This is where I delighted in finding Neko, and this is where I indulged my love of fantasy.
It’s been fun. It’s been awful. It’s been a lot of things, but… I think I’m done with my first real blog.
I’ve learned so much over the years. I learned how to handle a relationship. What to do, what not to do. I’ve learned what I need from someone to be happy, and how to give them what they need for happiness. I learned about making mistakes, and about perception. I know that I can only see the years through my own eyes, but that time adds a little perspective. I haven’t even looked at my OD in so long, that I had to reread the whole thing just to remember everything here. I have what I want to keep, and I can put the rest away.
For all the little day-to-day annoyances that come up, all the issues that arise, all the things I have to juggle just to keep things moving, I can honestly say that I’m happy. I’ve been keeping a happiness blog, and it’s so… amazingly easy now to put things in it. (I forget about blogging a LOT, because I’m just so ADD like that.) I can look at my eyes in the mirror and know that the person behind those eyes isn’t perfect, but she isn’t horrible.
I’ve made mistakes, but they’re not the kind of grievous mistakes that some people think they are. I’ve done some amazing things, but they’re the quiet, understated amazing that you only appreciate later. I offered Brandenburg to the world at large in this format because I felt safe here. Now… I feel safe in my life. I have for quite a while now, but after looking at my OD, I know that this is something that can be folded up and put away without missing it.
I know now that I did the best I could, and that it wasn’t enough at the time. I know now that the mistakes I made were just that: mistakes. Just like everyone else, I made mistakes, and I learned from them. Would I change things? I would change a little. I would change words that weren’t said, and words that were, but I wouldn’t change the outcome. For all that I’m the one who says "never use the word ‘forever’ because things change," I know I would never trade what could have been or what might have been for what IS.
I will always love this OD, and my noters (you and TreeLine, Sarah!) for what it gave me when I needed it. I’ll always remember the day that I figured out how to add HTML coding, and the day I revamped everything. I’ll remember the notes that made me smile, and the entries I wrote because it was 4 a.m. and I couldn’t sleep. I was at the shadow’s edge for so long, figuring out if I could let go of that feeling that I was never going to measure up, and now that I’ve spent so long in the sunlight, I can close the door.
(I get the weirdest ideas while winding down after work.)
As the only people I’d say goodbye to haven’t been on OD in a very long time, there’s nothing more to say. Brandenburg, Virginia and its’ angel are done with OpenDiary. Thanks, guys.