Rejected…

To tell you the truth, I think i’m still in shock…I had my interview for the “secret service” today and I’m still not sure if what they did constitutes rejection or not…I have no fucking clue…but it sure feels that way…they told me they’d call me to let me know, but the other girls that were there(not all of the obviously-but more than half) were sent for extensive tests…

Its not enough that i’m suffering with my family and also with my feelings for Dave, now I have to suffer with this too? Now I have to worry about not being good enough for them? I never even dreamt that they wouldn’t accept me…I didn’t even let myself think they wouldn’t want me…I was so damn sure of myself…maybe too sure?

I know i’m not your favorite person right now, god…I really do know…i’ve never denied your presence, I know you’re here, but I can only feel that you’re here in general…why can’t I feel that you’re here for me? Why can’t I feel that you want ti help me? that you want me to succeed? Why can’t I feel that anyone wants to? that anyones there? or that anyone cares? Why do I always feel so alone, even when i’m in a crowd of “friends”? Why can’t I let people touch me…?