Its been a while…

It’s been a pretty long time since i’ve had the patience to sit here in front of my computer and really let out all the stuff that’s weighing on my mind. I sit here often, but can’t bring myself to put in words all that bothers me. I have two older sisters who are married, with children and obviously don’t live at home anymore. I understand their not being able to help with my mother’s situation but would it be so hard for them to call me once in a while and see how i’m handling it? To see what kind of a toll it’s taking on me? I haven’t heard from either one of them in a few months except when they need something. Then, they call me under false pretences, talk for a few minutes and then remember suddenly something they needed to ask me or needed me to do. They’re my sisters-why can’t they understand that what i’m doing isn’t easy? Everyone comes up to me and tells me what a wonderful thing i’m doing taking care of my mother, the house, the family and how she’s so lucky to have me. They don’t understand that I don’t really have much of a choice. I love my mother, I really do, don’t get me wrong. But I never counted on having to prove my love to this extent. The only person I want that kind of recognition from is the one i’m not getting it from-my mother. She doesn’t thank me for all the cleaning I do, the meals I make, the help I give her in doing daily tasks for herself that she can’t do by herself. She only has something to say when something is not right. I know that alot of it stems from the fact that she’s a “doer”. Never in her life has she sat back and not done anything. Even after all of her other surgeries she bounced back and went right back to work. This is the first surgery she’s had that her body has been incapable of bouncing back and she’s feeling totally useless, like a freeloader. I see how hard it is for her and how much it eats at her but I can’t help feeling like she doesn’t appreciate what i’m doing because she doesn’t want to see what i’m doing for her. Hell, what other 19 year old travels between work in a store and work at home on a regular basis without going out? Without visiting friends? Without leaving it behind once in a while? I wake up in the morning and first thing I clean the kitchen, dining room and living room that my father and brother turn into a pigsty at night. I make my mother coffee, help her get dressed and whatever else she needs help with. I then either got to work or spend the morning with her before I work in the afternoon. I make her whatever she wants for lunch, making sure to keep everything spotless and either go to work or start figuring out what to do for dinner and what to make for my little sister to eat when she comes home from school. I do, and I do, and I do and I just want a real thank you-one that wasn’t milked out of her by frustration and anger. I may be older than my years, I may be more mature than regular people my age but i’m still her kid-shouldn’t that count for something? I won’t be able to keep it up at this rate. I can’t handle it. I have no one to talk to. No one at all.