Continuous pain…

I went to see the movie “Frida” last night…I have to admit…it was a very interesting movie…but oh god did she gross em out, between the unibrow, the moustache and the armpit hair, I could hardly look at her…ewwww gross…!

After the movie Od came over to my house to sleep over…she was saying tehillim(psalms-she ttok it upon herself cuz she feels it has the real power fo prayer) and I was going through her wallet…as I was going through pics of all the friends hse has in there I came across a pic of Dave…I must have looked at it for at least 15 minutes staright just remembering…just thinking of him…I wish I could look at a picture of him and not feel anything but its so hard…I really really miss him…and as hard as it is for me to say I think I have to put this down in writing for once…I think I fell in love with him and I think I still am…the hardest part of it is that I think he never wanted me for me, but just for the kissing, the touching…if it wasnt me then it would have been someone else that agreed to…thats what hurts the most…and I know that he despises me right now…I think of the times that I said I’ll never have feelings for him and the times that I pushed him away and I really feel like an ass…I never even gave him a chance to be there for me…I never gave myself a chance to want him…was I too scared? or just too much of a pretentious bitch? Why couldn’t I have given us a chance? I dont regret for a second what I did with him but I do regret how it came about and that I lost him…that we lost each other…:'(