Mania

When I was in Mania a year ago I had no idea that I actually was in mania. Would I recognize if I went back into mania?

The past few days have been a tornado of events, emotions, and disappointment. My emotions were so erratic. I’m in a middle of an attack for multiple reasons and multiple emotions. I feel like I have no control sometimes. Like right now. I’m writing so I can try to just shut my brain up so I feel like im basically writing exactly what comes off my brain so here we go

WHY WHY THE FUCK ME?! I FIND A MAN THAT I FUCKING LOVE AND HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY FUCKING GOD DAMN LOYAL TO AND I FEEL LIKE IM NOTHING TO HIM! He claims he loves me and he has wanted me all this time but his name says enough. I don’t believe a god damn word that comes out of his fucking mouth. Yeah he leaves his phone out and claims to tell me everything he does but does he really? After my birthday, i really don’t know. Am i splitting him? Or are these real emotions. I have no fucking clue. Was he at her house when he wasn’t at work? Was he really where he said he was? I know in the latter part of the day he was where he said he was but all day… where were you? Yeah, I don’t believe his bullshit and I try so fucking hard! There comes in our past. He said he was going to his fathers to get away and instead I found him at his ex’s house. I relieve that night every fucking time I start having thoughts of him cheating. Actually I think about it often now.

I have no fucking car. He promised for weeks we will get the truck running and I’ll have that. Nope. He is selling it. Turns out he has too for his father. So I’m fucked again. I literally have no way to get anywhere. I am trapped in this house 24/7 and at his mercy. Tomorrow I have an appt I have to go to with mental health. I found a ride there so it looks like I will be walking to shop and waiting there until my boyfriend gets there around 6 maybe?! That’s what sparked this whole fucking thing. It’s fucking Wednesday and I’ll be in north end alone. My sons father will be back at any point and I’ll be alone on the side of the fucking road. My anxiety is through the roof about tomorrow. I just keep telling myself I’ll be fine but i feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack on the side of the road. And of course he has no idea how i’m feeling because he doesn’t fucking care. If he did he would have made sure he figured it out. Like he promised my mother.

I just want to fucking disappear. I hate my fucking life. Im sick of feeling like this. Im sick of feeling helpless. Im fucking sick of it!!!!! I hope that mother fucker hits me with his fucking car tomorrow.

#BPDWarrior