Emotions

“How are you feeling today?” Well, that’s an open ended question for me.

Yesterday was not any better. I stayed in bed mostly all day. I did attempt in the morning to clean but my body and mind just didn’t want to function. I ended up taking a medication holiday yesterday. I did not talk to anyone. I curled up in bed with my son and watched movies while we on and off napped. I feel like that was what was needed at that point in time.

My boyfriend had a late night at the shop unloading but he still managed to make it home by 9 and with dinner. My son was happy because it was McDonalds. I was not hungry either way so I told him “I love you” and rolled over until I fell asleep. I do this breathing exercise I learned years ago to try to help me sleep. Sometimes I use it in my anxiety attacks as well.

Breathe in through your nose for 5 seconds and then breathe out through your mouth for 5 seconds. Repeat for 7 seconds and then repeat for 9 seconds. Repeat until you fall asleep. It works most of the time, not always though. Sometimes it takes probably 100 repetitions. That could be an exaggeration but it sure as hell feels like it.

Fortunately, it worked last night in combination with my rescue medications. I remember waking up a few times and making sure my boyfriend was there. Like he would leave in the middle of the night. He never would and if for some reason he did have to leave, he would wake me up and drag me along with him! I wonder if I do it because I am scared to lose him? Or am I just scared?

I woke up this morning groggy in a funk mood. He wanted to sleep in because the dogs kept him up most of the night so I took the guys to the site. We chatted on and off but the way home when I was alone, was bad. Come to find out my sons father is now living in south end again. Not only is he living down here but now my ex-fiance is down here often with him, as in last night and right now. I have no vehicle. I am trapped in a house alone most of the day. And now both of these people that I fear will either hurt me or I will hurt them are in my circle. AGAIN, WHY ME?

I’m questioning leaving state. Away from all of them. Start over.

My mom is coming home today. I pick her up at 630. I’m excited and happy but my anxiety has just taken over.

Now to return to bed, holding him… where I feel safe.

Always

BPDWarrior