the letter to my derby sisters…

i wrote this earlier today and posted in on our derby fb page.

for some reason OD is always down on my work computer, which is the one i use most often, so i haven’t been on here in ages!

i’ve been writing to myself in notepad though so i’m keeping track of stuffs going on.

anyway, wednesday is my 1 year since surgery and saturday was our derby prom. the excuse to wear poofy dresses and stripper heels and get sloshed while receiving your team/league awards. it was pretty awesome.

the letter: 

 Hi, i’m turtle. most of you have probably never talked to me in person but you’re familiar with my name from here and the forum. this is no coincidence. i know to many i come across as stuck up or a bitch, but i promise you that’s not me. i’m painfully shy and for years i’ve been plagued with crippling social anxiety that controlled my life for a LONG time.

I hear the phrase "roller derby saved my soul" thrown around a lot and while it’s incredibly cliche, now’s my turn to share my story.

short of my 30th birthday (which is the week before christmas and will be EPIC) this week marks a HUGE milestone for me. a day when my life changed forever. this week one year ago i had gastric sleeve surgery. this Wednesday one year ago i stepped on the scale at the hospital at 270 pounds. i never left my house for anything other than work and necessary errands. i couldn’t keep up with my ridiculously hyperactive toddlers. a year ago today ‘exercise’ to me was running after my kids at the mall and trying desperately to hide my heavy breathing and sweat beads on my forehead.

i vowed to myself that after i lost 30 pounds i was going to find some kind of exercise to keep me motivated and losing weight. after all, i wasn’t going to have surgery and not use it as a tool – i’ve seen too many people use surgery as a crutch only to gain the weight back within 2 years. thanks to Ewok posting in the Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mama’s fb about the meet in greet – i found NTDR. (i owe you HUGE ewok) i joined the next day and had to wait an entire 6 days to skate at my first CTH practice. This was the second week of November 2011.

the last year has been an amazing roller coaster of emotions. and through all of the issues i’ve dealt and continue to deal with as i lose weight – derby has been my constant through all of it. it took me nearly all season to open up to my mafia sisters, but once i broke down all those walls i’d built after years of feeling unworthy of close relationships and self esteem issues i could start to see the changes on the inside that everyone else was seeing on the outside. i gained a confidence i never knew i was lacking. for the first time in my life i was able to walk into a building full of people and not be anxious or uncomfortable. in one season of roller derby i’ve grown YEARS emotionally. i had an amazing coach (and pitbully!) who pushed me to better myself as a player to help my team be the best they could be.

i haven’t played a team sport since t-ball. i don’t remember what it’s like to have a group of my peers there to support me and truly care about me. i’ve cried more tears of joy and love the last year than i have EVER in my life. i used to say i never cried – now you slores make me cry all the time! and i thank each and every one of you for that.

i’ve posted a lot of junk lately about motivation and dedication and hard work and all that shit i used to think was the work of a whackjob with nothing else better to do than spout inspirational memes no one really takes to heart. but i’ve lived it. every word i mean from the bottom of my heart. i KNOW what it’s like to be the fat kid picked last at dodgeball. i KNOW what it’s like to not care about my body and how i treat it. i know what it’s like to give up on everything because it’s easier to quit than to risk inevitable failure. i’ve been there. i’m also on the other side now. i appreciate every time i fell and all the times i still fall down. i know now that you have to fail to succeed. and i know that my journey is far from over…it’s only just begun.

i also know that this journey would never have even begun without each and every one of you…whether you know it or not..and whether we talk or have ever talked in person.

i’m still painfully shy – but i’m working really hard to open up. i promise you i’m not a stuck up bitch. once you get to know me i’m just as inappropriate and shit talk as much as the best of you out there. i’m awkward and uncomfortable socially and probably will be for a long time to come – but i once heard a quote that says "you’re not really living life until you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone."

losing 102 pounds in a year is a huge accomplishment in itself, but my proudest moment is knowing that i’m now truly living my life. it took damn near 30 years, but i FINALLY get it.

i’ve never been more proud to receive a hairy pile of sparkly unicorn poop. it took long enough for people to learn my name…i didn’t think anyone would have noticed me. i’m not popular…and i’m awkward and shy. but i’ve come leaps and bounds from where i started. and knowing that you all see it enough to give me the most improved award brings tears to my eyes.

i love you all. truly. i keep saying 2012 was MY year. but it’s more than just one year. it’s every year…and it’s not just mine. it’s OURS. all you have to do is take it. MAKE it yours. and i know you can do it – because i have. and i was the last person that anyone would have guessed could have done it. 2013 will be THE year. I know it.

and that – my sisters, my friends, my teammates, my comrades, my family:

 is how roller derby has saved my soul. BAM!

PS – PLEASE talk to me even if i seem like i don’t want anyone to talk to me. i promise you i don’t feel that way. i’m learning to hug people too even when i’m not under the influence. it’s healing. a la Dave Matthews "Everyday" video. Let me be your judah friedlander! <3 that is all.