J
It will be a year ago this month that J and I made the decision to move in together. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. I like the idea of having someone to come home to.
He is very much in love with me. In many ways I wish I could say the same about him. He is perfect for me in so many ways. The parts of who I wish C could be…J is. There are SO many good qualities about him that I respect and appreciate. There are some things I’ve chosen to put up with for reasons I’m sure require a couch/psychoanalysis and or intense inner reflection.
There are some days when I find myself thinking, “What the fuck am I doing with this guy?!” Yet, for the most part we’ve made it to the year mark without any drama, fanfare, or hoopla. My feelings of apathy probably have a lot to do with that. He would tell you things are amazing and we’re going to get married and I’m the one and he’s never met anyone like me. It’s all so melodramatic.
A hardened heart is a tough nut to crack.
Maybe think about this: how would you feel if you lost him? The reason why I ask is because I’ve been reading my old entries, and I was kind of on that boat with the man I’m married to now. But at one point, I left him, and a bit after that, I noticed I was truly losing him, and I freaked. I realized (in my case, so not saying this is everyone), that I was just pushing good away, too used to being with people who were bad to me, and addicted to that, since I didn’t believe I deserved happiness. I don’t believe in settling, so I’m only with him (and ridiculously happy, btw) because when I went back, I found myself so in love with him, and it’s only gone uphill since. I was certain I’d just ruin things, and that it wouldn’t work, but when I made the decision to be all in, I never looked back. This could not be your case. Before him, I was also with someone I questioned if I should be with all the time, and I stuck it out for so long, but in the end, we really were just not meant to be (and it sucked being in that position, so I get it). Those are questions only you can answer, but sometimes, there is such a thing as not recognizing attraction to a good partner because we have bad habits in love. Again, if you find that you’re not into him enough for sure, you don’t owe it to anyone to stay around, no matter what. You get to live whatever life you want and need. Don’t feel guilty, because if he didn’t feel it for you, he wouldn’t be there. Don’t pity stay, because you will actually hurt him much more that way, and yourself. Again, only you have the answers to what your particular situation is.
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PS: I could not understand “A hardened heart is a tough nut to crack” more. This was me. I am so much happier now that I took my walls down. I have healed so much.
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“What the fuck am I doing with this guy?!”
I often feel this way.
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