Working on communication
Sometimes communicating with others is the hardest part of life I’m convinced. Sometimes it’s much easy to keep everything inside because you should never allow others to see that you have weaknesses. All of that is okay until it’s not. Then it comes busting out like a volcano and it’s no good for anyone. I am not immune from doing this. My spouse on the other hand is perfectly happy to not talk about anything ever. He’s often so caught up in his own world and thoughts (whatever they may be, I don’t really know) that he wouldn’t notice if the house was on fire. So he’s finally realized that I’m not okay, we discuss the problems I have, he doesn’t see them as a problem like I do. He says he’d rather just take care of his own issues without making things like a chore for me. The issue is I think I need that. I need to know that I’m needed and or wanted. Why am I here if you don’t need or want me. We don’t see eye to eye on this issue but we’ll work on it. I guess that’s a start. We were up until 3am talking. The most hilarious thing I think he said to me was I thought things were going great. Um….. what? I don’t think things are great at all. They haven’t been since about 5 years ago when you told me you didn’t really love me and didn’t know if we should just start over while we were still young enough. I’ve never been fine since then.
Love and relationships are infuriating and hard. Is is supposed to be this hard? Maybe I need counseling. I don’t know what’s normal to feel or not. I know he doesn’t. I just want to scream today but I can’t because my daughter is home on close contact quarantine and we have to go get yet another covid test. When will it end?
Side note, how do you even go about getting into counseling? I have no idea.
Do you have insurance coverage that will pay for therapy? If so, I would Google therapists that take your insurance- THEN email those that seem to align with what you are looking for. If you have trauma, I suggest asking right out of the gate if the therapist has experience dealing with trauma- because not all do. I treat this step like an interview- with you being the interviewer. Not everyone will be a good fit. That is why a consultation call BEFORE an actual appointment is imperative. That’s the hard part. Finding someone. After that, the work begins. But it is worth it.
@scarlettlee I do have insurance, although I’m not sure how it works for things like that. My spouse is active duty military so we have tricare. Typically everything is done with base people as your doctors. I avoid them all as much as possible. We are moving over the summer, I’m wondering if it would be better to try to dons someone before we go or wait until after? I have a lot of anxiety over the move itself so I think it would helpful to me now but if we are leaving so soon would that make it worse. What sorts of things would I be looking for during the interview? I have no idea what I am looking for. Tysm for your help, I appreciate it
@scarlettlee This is sound advice! Well enunciated and cogent. Thank you for explaining that therapists work for the ones inside us, and we are interviewing them for the job.
Right there, with that attitude, no one will ever feel the need to do or say anything to impress their therapist, whcih is a dangerous trap, we think.
@boring I think for me, I look for someone who is personable and seems to have a sense of humor. I cannot deal with someone who is stoic and all business. If you are religious and want someone who will include theology in their practice, then ask for that. In my consultation, I asked point blank if she had any clients that were LGBTQIA, had she dealt with domestic violence/sexual assault, etc…
Can you get something for the anxiety from your primary care doctor, just to get you through the move? I would suggest a low dose of Ativan. Once you move, then look for someone. Most therapists now offer phone and Zoom appointments, so you wouldn’t even need to leave home.
If you can afford it, I would suggest a service called Better Help. It is an online therapy service, and I have heard good things. That could maybe bridge the gap for you between now and the move.
@scarlettlee thank you. That’s helpful. I wouldn’t want anyone all stoic and business either. I am not a religious person and wouldn’t want that included, would I need to specifically find someone that isn’t? I don’t care if they are religious though. I’ve never really taken any kind medications besides like antibiotics or headache meds but maybe? I’m nervous just thinking about calling the doctors office. I think I’m an over thinker. I will look into that service. Something where I don’t have to go to an office sounds so much better. Thank you.
@boring If you are not one to take meds- I would suggest a homeopathic tablet called Hyland’s CALM. It’s on Amazon. I have a Xanax script, but I am out, and Hyland’s has been getting me through while I wait.
@scarlettlee this is off topic, and random, and perhaps forward…
But I am looking for a way to communicate with someone who has these kinds of experiences; I know I cannot have experienced things that I have not experienced, but I like to try and find comonalities, for I find there are more than less.
Please and thank you, if you would care to share and are interested in a serious discussion of the human experience, I would be grateful for your time.
@cygnusx-1 I am absolutely game. I do so enjoy intelligent discourse and exchanging experiences…
@cygnusx-1 You made a point that is very important for people to understand- therapists work for US. So often, people are held back by the inaccurate ideas that we should 1. feel ashamed to seek out help and 2. fear judgement from the practitioner. I am a domestic violence victim’s advocate, and I work very hard to break the stigma of seeking metal health intervention and treatment.
@scarlettlee I am much the same for soldiers, though not ever as active as I should have been, having had my own shit to deal with, but now my cup runneth over, or so the kids are saying on the tik toks or so I heard.
@cygnusx-1 My father was a Vietnam vet and fought for veteran’s rights and health care. I get it from him.
The Tik Toks, lol.
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We applaud you.
It is the hardest thing, and only the intrepid do not turn away, but it IS worth it. Communication is everything, whther internal or external. With good communication, we can have a party in our minds within a POW crate, all alone and apparently destitute, Without it, we are alone in Grand Central Station though everyone be looking at us and thinking we happy.
@cygnusx-1 inside my mind is a dangerous place I think. On the outside no one would know I struggle with anything. I’m the “strong put together one” you know. Inside my brain never turns off, it never stops going a million miles an hour. It’s just that doesn’t lead me to good places. It’s dark in there.
@boring ah, we are familiar with this feeling of overwhelmed.
We have developed some odd but functional mental constructs to deal with tis; we went finally after years of research, with the notion that perhaps we were the sane one in an insane system, and this hypothesis has tested out some interesting results.
Anyway, we’re happy to share and explain; we long for it actually. In real life we feel there is a lack of authenticity that allows people to express themselves. This should have been the great thing of the internet, but instead of authenticity, we got something else.
But, it DOES work as expected, if used correctly, the internet.
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I wish I could give you some advice and be helpful to you and your marriage. I am sorry you are going through this. I know I could give you the easy advice, and tell you to walk away, but it is never easy and when their are kids I am sure it is much harder.
I do think getting yourself a therapist and possibly one for you and your husband is helpful. Sometimes it is good got have a middle person to mediate the conversation between the two you and possibly lead you the right way.
Looking for one? For me it was all about looking for ones that my Health Insurance/Medical Aid advised and those that would allow me to claim back from Medical Aid…and google is also helpful to read up on reviews and stuff.
Keep Well and Stay Strong.
@ncumisa thank you. I def plan to.
😘
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