Skipped the title…
About something he said….
I gained 7 pounds. When you have this surgery and you’ve lost all the weight, even if you lost too much, there is still this mental issue about weight gain.
I had lost those 40 pounds much too quickly and became severely malnourished, basically the reason I can’t feel my hands, feet, or abdomen, and I had gained 10 back. Yay! Said my doctor, and me. She even told me to gain 10 more and then maintain. Well, when I went to the doctor yesterday I had gained 7 pounds. Even the neurologist was like…nice, your weight.
Not me. 17 pounds gained total. Seriously went into that OH NO NO NO NO NO! mentality. I get home, had been worrying about it all the way home, and I sat at the kitchen table and my partner wanted to know how the appointment went. I told him. About the nerve damage. I was not too forthcoming because, really, all that was going through my mind was….oh my goodness, can he tell I’ve gained all this weight? My clothes fit the same. I don’t feel this gain. I wonder if he thinks I look bad? Oh no, I certainly can’t get naked with him again. He won’t like that. I mean all of these things just slammed in my head like a ton of bricks. And I put my head in my hands and almost in tears I just blurted out. “I gained 7 pounds.” He said,
“Well, then, stop”
I’m still trying to figure it out. I was too emotional to talk to him at the time so I just went to my room.
Oh, I know how to stop. Eating, that is. And, really, I have no problem with it. No carbs, all protein, blah blah…
I just can’t figure it out. Did he say that because I was upset? He truly gets some caring part of him in a bunch if he thinks I’m upset. Even that day with my son. He looked so defeated. OR Did he say that because he was upset? That I gained weight. Everything seems kosher but I cant let this go. I have to ask him, of course.
One thing I do know. For certain. I am not gonna sit around and worry about it. Been there. It was not a good thing. And this man helped me through all of that self doubt from the husband. He helped me make it through and helped me gain confidence. He helped me speak my mind, which sometimes I think my mouth is gonna get me in trouble.
Point is, as soon as he comes to my room again, which will be soon, gonna have to ask. I have no idea what I will do or say if he says that my gain bothers him. Especially since I was about 60 pounds heavier than I am now when we met. Craigslist did me good.
And yep. Yet another reason i drank. I cannot stop my brain from going this way and that and all at a phenomenal speed. If i could…right now…i would be finding a way to go to the store. Sneak me in some rum. I say that now…but why? I will just keep on drinking my coffee.
Funny thing…I went to see a good friend on Monday. She is an alcoholic. 18 years sober. I told her I was still good. Hadn’t drank yet. I told her I can’t get enough coffee and she asked me if I had been to an AA meeting yet. Well, no, Covid. She says when we go, (She has graciously offered to go with me), I will see the biggest coffee pot ever. Haha she says they must be 20 gallons. We just laughed.
His ex was 4’11 and weighed 90 pounds. “Sigh” He is 6’1 and weighs 125. He is tall and lanky. Just like I like ’em.
I’m still bored being sober.