You have it Wrong…

You’ve got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It’s called perseverance. ~Lee Iacocca

 

     When I weighed in at 235 I never really considered myself as fat. Even in the frustration of shopping for new clothes I would convince myself that I was curvy and the majority of clothing lines didn’t consider the real woman.  In terms of my obvious weight gain, I’d be sure to tell everyone about my experience with the Depo shot as I "ate like a bird" in front of our guests. It wasn’t until almost five years AFTER I came off the shot that the reality of my weight, and all of the set-backs of being overweight, hit me in a series of emotional waves.

 

     We all have a moment that alters our course in life. As the moment occurs we recognize the undertone and realize that change is ahead. Some of these moments are minor adjustments in our path while others steer us clear in a direction we would have never foreseen.  My moment appeared during a camping trip with some friends in July of 2010. That very moment shook me to my core. I felt as though my entire, fragile, persona was dropped thousands of feet above a marble floor and left to shatter into millions of pieces; the splinters so small that no one would ever know the amount of hurt that immediately saturated my being.

 

     Now? I can look back and laugh. Then? I never hated myself more.

 

     Initially it was only five of us camping- Martin and myself plus three German Air Force guys. Two of them we considered great friends while the other…well, he was the other. On our second day the remainder of the Air Force crew that was currently stationed at Fort Sill appeared. While four of us had no idea of this invite, we still welcomed them into the festivities. They ate the food I bought, I prepared and I later cleaned up after. They drank the beer I bought, out of the cooler I filled with ice and I loaded and unloaded into our vehicle. And then, several hours late,r my thanks was given in form of the conversation of "fat American girls." While I won’t go into the nitty gritty of the conversation, nor the finger pointing and eye shifting in my direction,  I can tell you that never in my life was I more ashamed of who I was and what I looked like then at that very moment. I was quick to leave, missing my dear husband and our two wonderful German friends addressing the conversation. I remember sitting in the tent and tearing off my bathing suit only so I could attempt to hide my obesity in baggy pajama pants and sweatshirt despite the sweltering heat. I wont  deny that I cried tears of hatred for myself and what I had allowed myself to become. No matter how inappropriate anyone would tell me that conversation was I knew in my heart that it spoke nothing but the truth.

 

     As the evening wore on my hurt subsided and my anger increased. Who where THEY to judge me by my weight? What is wrong with a society that judges a person by their body rather than their personality?? THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!! Let me tell you, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! But then I admitted to myself that, you know what? They are right. I AM overweight. There is no lie in that. Perhaps they lacked couth, but that was the truth. At that moment the sheer determination that I had somehow misplaced over the years reared it’s ugly little head and the game was on. Years of failed diets and gym memberships where laid to rest, the slate was clean and a new journey begun. Life changing moments indeed!

 

     It has now been almost a year since I began my weight loss journey. I have, for the first time in many years, turned my lifestyle around and have witnessed so many changes within myself- not merely physically, but internally as well. I hadn’t realized just how much I changed who I was in efforts to conform with my weight. After the first 20 pounds where dropped I panicked. I realized that I made such efforts to be "the funny fat girl" in order to divert people away from the reality of my weight that I just didn’t know who I was anymore. On the other hand, I also confirmed what I would never admit… I just wasn’t as happy as I liked people to believe I was. I had come to realize that  I had used my own weight to hide behind socially and overcoming those issues were one of the biggest weight challenges I endured.

 

     I am the first to admit that this journey has not been easy; weight loss is about changing your lifestyle not about eating better/less  and exercising more. After years and years of indulging your body with every iota of a craving and then never making it earn it’s keep with exercise…well, that is a pretty dang big leap. I cried many tears for not being that girl with the great metabolism. I pitied myself for not being able to "treat" myself as I deserved. But, with hits and misses I have come to learn that treats are okay…in moderation. Taking a day off from the gym, it isn’t going to make me gain all my weight back overnight but rather it allows my body to heal properly and permits my muscles to restore themselves as needed. While I admit to my 25 pound set back back in February/March I have to say that it helped me realize that my body truly is a temple. (A temple with amazing woman curves, might I add!)

 

     But you know what? My weight loss wasn’t really my life changing moment. Even after realizing that others perceived me as fat, I knew that didn’t change the thoughts of those that cared about me.  My moment was realizing just how much my hard work inspired so many others to do the same. Whether it be via facebook, the forums I visit or the people I come across regularly I receive an abundance of thank yous, success stories, inquisitions of assistance, etc DAILY. I have to admit this…hearing that I inspire others inspires myself to push harder and walk the line. To know that my journey could help someone on so many levels is beyond humbling. After years of struggling with who I was and contemplating how I could change the world I have finally found a path that beckons me forward.

 

     Being involved in helping others, or myself, isn’t about vanity. It is about reaping  the  health benefits of living a healthier lifestyle whether you are at your goal weight or not. It is about feeling good about yourself and radiating the confidence that you own. You don’t have to be thin or in the best shape of your life to own who you are. There is not a single woman in this world that should feel as though their weight d

efines them. EVERY single woman deserves better than that!! If you want to lose weight, do it for you. Do it because you want more energy or because you want to improve your health.  Doing it for others leads to half-hearted attempts which, in the end, leads to another failed diet and a notch against your self-esteem. You deserve a fair shot and in order to receive that, do it for yourself.

 

July 2010

 

   

May 2011