What is Friendship?

As a whole, I am quite the contradiction. I am an extreme homebody…I love living in solitude and have told the husband on numerous times I would love to one day just pick up and move to some random part of Wyoming. Thousands of acres of land, my own gardens, raising our own cattle and chickens…but with great hair and clothes, of course. And internet. (I mean, obviously!)  Despite my yearning for solitude and alone time, I am a complete people pleaser. Really, I don’t make friends easily…I am "weird" and have come to terms with that. It seems that with age my communication skills have begun to drastically dwindle. Regardless, when I find someone I seem to click with I am full throttle, give it all I got, show them the dough, Sugar Momma of all friends. Yeah. Does that not scream buying into friendship or what?

Seems I have just lost my "sistah from a different mistah." I am so angry but upset. Frustrated yet whateva’.   But then I think back…it was always me who had them over for dinner. It was me who spent all the money at Christmas time. It was me who lent them money. And lent them money again. And lent them money AGAIN. I look at the entire "friendship" and realized that yet again I was completely suckered. What the HELL? How do I NOT see this crap? AM I really that desperate for friends that I need to buy them off? Good grief.

I won’t go into the whole detail of this shibackle, but I have to say this. For the first time? This really, really hurts.Perhaps it is the whole "kids" thing;  I was suckered in by the "Aunt Brooke" bit.  I dunno. What I do know is that I feel like a part of me is so fragile and partially broken. This happens to me over and over and over again and I never learn. This time is different, though. This time makes me never want to attempt it again. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and treat all society like a mere acquaintance, if that. It sucks. 🙁

I keep telling myself I just need to block the whole slew of them on facebook and move on, but it isn’t that simple. Part of me, despite being used like a dirty rag, wants to "fix" things. I know, right? Pretty stupid for a smart gal. *sigh* Decisions, decisions. I think it may be time to pull on those big girl panties and do what needs to be done.