The Biggest Loss…

I have always been an advocate of strong, intelligent women with an abundance of inner beauty. Well, with the exception of myself. While I find it easy to tell ladies of all ages that it is the inner beauty that matters most I have always found it hard to follow my own words. I’d be lying if I told you all that I was confident and self-assured; in all reality I am vulnerable, self-conscious and depreciate myself any chance I get. Unfortunately, the heavier I become the harder I am on myself.
At my heaviest point I was a very dissatisfied size 16 weighing in at 230 pounds. No matter what I wore, it was frumpy. No matter how I styled my hair, it was limp. My complexion was lackluster and my energy level was at an all time low. I felt beyond hideous and viewed myself as uninspiring. I was the fat girl amongst a world of thin, beautiful women. While I often made jokes at my own expense little did those around me know just how much truth lay beneath those fragile words. I despised who I was and what I had become. I did everything I could to conceal myself in the darkness away from the pressures of society and the prospect of socialization.
When in such a dejected state of mind it is rather difficult to find reason. I was so repulsed with myself that I found it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would want to associate with me. If I couldn’t love, or even like, myself, how could anyone else? I decided to save myself the time and embarrassment and slowly began to push everyone I could out of my life. During a visit to New York I agreed to meet with numerous old friends but then failed to show for fear of their perception of me and, in return, their rejection. When out in public I kept an eye out for anyone I may have known in order to avoid the humiliation and the prospect of the jokes I was sure would ensue after my departure. Slowly and deliberately I took steps to insure that I would be forgotten. I ceased returning phone calls, rarely responded to texts and let me email go weeks without being checked. Eventually my wishes were fulfilled and I was “forgotten.”
After feeling down for so long, I am finally beginning to see the upside of life. I am recognizing the importance of loving me for me and coming to the realization that if someone doesn’t like me because of my size then they are not worth having in my life. I have taken accountability for my actions in terms of not only my attitude and behavior, but also for my weight and my health.  I am on the pathway to a new and improved me and am almost halfway to my weight loss goal. Through these struggles I have endured I have come to realize one thing; the biggest loss will not be in pounds but rather the relationships I disregarded. I am ashamed for thinking that my friends and family wouldn’t understand. I am ashamed for assuming they would ridicule me and no longer like or love me because of my weight. That whole time I was still the same old Brooke and my size will never, ever change that. But, after all this time, how do I say I’m sorry for my multitude of wrongs?